The Dick Show - Episode 406 - Dick on Bums vs. Drones Transcript and Discussion (2024)

Comedy

Starting point is 00:00:00 Rumble, the worst app ever made. Is it working? There we go. Hey there, Coze. It just shows you that loading screen and it never updates. So you have to just keep refreshing. Oh. Which you also, it's good because it trains you to refresh. Because you have to refresh the page constantly

Starting point is 00:00:18 when you're watching any stream on Rumble. That's been my experience with it too. But I'm the asshole. Right. Yeah? Everyone else is. Of course, it's in your name you f*cking dick. It's my fault once again. I'm the reason rumble doesn't work.

Starting point is 00:00:33 Oh did we freeze? No, I paused it. Oh okay. Jesus. I was like speaking of, yeah. Another freeze, huh? What were you saying about Vito just a second ago? That he was fatter than I was looking for his cookies again.

Starting point is 00:00:50 It was probably a bit of both. Oh, but I was also saying how he's the only person, not the only person, he's one of many people who've said, wow, all you need is just a simple business model, and yet he's complicated it beyond the point of having any sort of real release date or plan. Release date or plan, yeah. And I feel like anyone who's done anything with business

Starting point is 00:01:12 is you have to have a plan. It's bidness now. We call it a bidness plan. That's right. Well, either way, you have to have some sort of f*cking definitive thing. You think Superkiller's gonna come out? No.

Starting point is 00:01:22 No. Vaporware comic of the year, calling it now. Just like Vito's cookies, absolutely nowhere to be found. You know how good it would have to be at this point? With all the hype and how good the comic would... No comic has ever been as good as Superkiller needs to be. Well, so that's why Dr. Dre never came out with Detox, right? Because the hype was...

Starting point is 00:01:42 What's Detox? That was supposed to be the follow-up album to Chronic. To Chronic? Yeah. Did he... Oh boy. Right. Well, so that's the thing is there's so much hype. They're too cute there, Dr. Dre. Right. There's so much hype.

Starting point is 00:01:52 Detox! Even if it's the best album anyone's heard, it won't live up to the hype. Mm-hmm. So now Vito's at the corner... So Vito's basically Dr. Dre. No. Well... In which way? But no, it's, he's overhyped it to the, he's oversold it. He's hyped it to the point of, I mean, he's still pitching the Kickstarter.

Starting point is 00:02:14 Like, bro, come on, ease up on the gas. Yeah, he wants you to- The race is over. Buy it before- You're in the garage. Raaargh! Get in before it's gone, but I feel like his printing presses will be out of business before he f*cking gets anything done. He's gonna have to get a new printer! Yeah, Jesus Christ. He's gonna have a new internet by the time it comes out. Vito, get it done.

Starting point is 00:02:33 Clean your cat box. Can you turn yourself up a little bit? Yes. Oh yeah, the cat box too. How do you like that, uh, the bathroom that he's rocking over there? Incredible. I would never feel clean. Never.

Starting point is 00:02:48 How'd you like his abortion rant? Oh, you mean that part? I almost just veered off. I was like, god damn. It actually felt like the old show. I thought it was a f*cking time warp. I felt like I was listening to the old show. Something about being in a skin suit or something,

Starting point is 00:03:04 what happened here? Being in that seat too long gets to you. Scrambles your brains, right? Well that's why Sean- That seat's safe. This seat's safe. It's far enough away from me. But that seat-

Starting point is 00:03:14 That seat, you're in the hot zone, you're in the splash zone. Your brain's getting cooked. The guy who's making a comedic super killer or superhero comic book and this guy who wants to be known as Mr. Comedian guy has to just go on his comedy podcast that makes him the most money as far as I'm aware and be f*cking Mr. Serious. What a f*cking moron. I'm so tired of you Vito. But keep doing it too. All the liberals got the same joke at the same time. Oh abortion there's there's so many billions of people, we're not gonna miss anybody.

Starting point is 00:03:45 Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. Like, man. Ah. Same sh*t every f*cking time. I was pro, you know, I wasn't, the other guys that had annoyed me more up until now, pro-life guys had really annoyed me. That was a thing.

Starting point is 00:03:59 The whole thing's just a big charity scam fundraiser to get the word out about, you guys aren't changing, none of them want to change, none of them are changing hearts and minds None of them want to be changing hearts and minds, right? You know, that's the only thing that's important Is that God sees them God's dumb. He doesn't want anybody to plan or like Be strategic about anything and make wins gain power and then implement. No, it's about the literal being loud Yeah, God, did you see me? Did you see me? God God everyone hates me and everyone's so f*cking annoyed just like you like see I'm taking the path less traveled

Starting point is 00:04:31 And it's like no you're just being out Less traveled is constantly spurging out f*ck off Yeah, and they had annoyed me so much with that, but then Vito in one line totally reversed I'm like man. They're right you guys you are f*cked You guys are really f*cked you shouldn't be saying this stuff. You shouldn't be thinking this stuff I was just like man. I can't wait till he gets on the f*cking scale Service pennants for such a retarded f*cking idea Unbelievable, and then I regretted giving him something good in the box because my girlfriend's always saying you got to put something good

Starting point is 00:05:04 You should have reached across and gave him a tune in Tokyo while he had his shirt off Slapping me that's tit* People lose their minds if there's no theme song all right god. I feel like I got run over by it. Brain sauced, right? Right. I can't function properly. The more you try, the worse it gets. That should be their motto. Motto of life.

Starting point is 00:05:52 Quit f*cking trying. The more you try the kids, the more you try, the worse it gets, so quit early. Quit early, yeah. Do it once and be done. My nephew was talking about quitting something. I forget what it was, sports maybe. So I said, hey hey don't listen to these guys. Quitting is great man. Quitting is cool. Every week I quit doing the laundry halfway through.

Starting point is 00:06:12 My girlfriend's like, he does do that! Of course. I got an angry call from my sister this week. She goes what did you say to the little one? I said what do you mean? What do you mean? What did I say? She goes well he's doing this presentation for his school where he's gotta pretend to be a historical figure. Oh, which historical figure? She goes, no, they give it to him in advance, they get to pick which historical figure. How historically accurate was this figure?

Starting point is 00:06:42 I said, what do you mean? She goes, what did you tell him? I said, I didn't say anything. What are you? She goes, what did you tell him? I said, I didn't say anything. What are you talking about? She goes, I know you told him something. I know you two are on, I know you two are on Signal together. I can't trace it.

Starting point is 00:06:52 It's untraceable sh*t that you're telling him. Say sh*t. You got nothing on me. And she goes, well, he picked George Washington Carver as his circle figure. I was like, all right. She goes, I know you said something. I didn't say sh*t.

Starting point is 00:07:07 I heard you doing your Eric July voice around him. Oh, hey, y'all, I'm George Washington Carver. Y'all be like, what's up? How'd you like a peanut? I made a peanut out of peanuts. All right? You know, schlock, 90s humor, Conan humor, right? Kids love that sh*t.

Starting point is 00:07:24 Yeah, it's the funniest thing ever Kids love that sh*t and anything that's did you see that documentary about Dan Schneider? No, they call it They're calling all this stuff a cum shot and stuff and the kids like somebody gets lotion sprayed all over him This bitch is like yeah, it was a cum shot. It was not a what what are you like p*rn sick? What the f*ck is this what p*rn sickness looks like? I don't watch anything anymore. I don't even listen to anything anymore. I don't do anything.

Starting point is 00:07:49 You don't do anything? I sit in stasis because that's the best way to go about it. That's smart. Yeah. So she goes, I know you did something. I know this is your fault. I said, what? What? You didn't say anything. She goes, yeah, so I said, she said, she says, well, I told the little nephew

Starting point is 00:08:05 that the presentation's this week, we better go get you an outfit for your historical recreation. He goes, yeah, maybe we could pick up some face paint too. I was gonna say, did you send him off with a little thing of Kiwi shoe polish? She goes, did you tell him that? No, he came up with that on his own.

Starting point is 00:08:31 What did you tell him? What did you- what was your response to that? You let him do it, right? No. Yeah, let's pick up some shoe polish too. She didn't explain to him that it's only acceptable if he does the historically accurate reenactment as well? Well, then the bit doesn't work, Mom! Yeah. If I don't have the shoe polish, then why did I pick George Washington Carver? Yeah. Are you nuts?

Starting point is 00:08:55 That's... You dumb bit. Are you peanuts? You don't understand comedy! Women don't understand comedy! Uncle's right the whole time! You're just f*cking censoring me bitch! That...

Starting point is 00:09:06 Un-f*cking-real. Let's grab you a little suit at the... Something cute, you know? Yeah, let's pick up some shoe polish too. f*ck. Maybe a little bit. Maybe a little bit. It's not like I showed him blazing saddles or anything before I sent him off into the wild, but you know.

Starting point is 00:09:28 Did I? And then I think- and and then I started thinking did I say something? I might have You flashed back, you're like look, this is gonna be hilarious Your mom's gonna love this I don't even know myself if I did or didn't say anything Yeah, if I hint or just being in the hot seat, you know Shroding your shoe polish if I did or didn't say anything. If I hint, or just being in the hot seat, you know. Shrouding your shoe polish. That's the, this is the good, sitting next to me,

Starting point is 00:09:49 that's you absorb all the, you know, bad ideas. Yeah, the good bad ideas, yeah. Suck your brains out. Right. Like a straw, apparently. Diagonally, you're safe. Vito's talking about animals are the same as humans. And I said, well, would you f*ck an animal? And he goes, no.

Starting point is 00:10:07 Would you eat a person? f*cking, well, he might, yeah. Come on, come on. True. That would have been a f*ck up. Silly of me, yeah. We had a bonus episode this week. Did you see it?

Starting point is 00:10:21 Not yet, actually. No. Where we watch- Could be a teaser. We watch Maddox's exes dating exes. Oh, it's the only place It's the only place you can see that content by the way Maddox Maddox is documentary about how I'm a stalker who? Who pay walls all the juicy stocking content is now behind my paywall. Do you think he's? For irony. Yeah, do you think he's sitting? How's that for irony?

Starting point is 00:10:45 Yeah, do you think he's sitting to himself? He's like, oh yeah, my genius plan worked. I'm only making this guy a bunch more money. I wanted to get caught. Yeah. I got to watch it again. Honestly, I've been thinking about this exes dating exes thing all week. I can't get it.

Starting point is 00:11:01 I can't get the absurdity of it out of my, the failure of it out of my head. I don't know what he was going for. He calls his ex, he calls both me and his ex-girlfriend beta, quote. Which, I don't think I've ever heard a woman called a beta male before. Well these days anything is up there. Anything's possible, Trans, you know. Man, he's planning to just flag on the moon, man. He's the first one to do it.

Starting point is 00:11:30 Yeah, and then it's just a bunch of flubbed jokes, you know. Man, that, see, that's what happens when you get too serious. You can't go on a comedy show and talk about abortion trying and not f*cking understand where you stand in it. That's important too. You're going to have to figure out where you stand first before you get serious. Like that's just, again, just the most core element of anything he does. It's like, ooh, if you just had that right, everything else would fall into place.

Starting point is 00:12:03 I don't know where Sean is. I think he's helping out with the whole Iran-Israel thing. Did he get lost in the fog at sea? He got taken as a hostage. He dressed up as a Jewish, old Jewish lady. Oh, you know his height. Got caught on purpose. Yeah, his height really, you know, he's able to blend in pretty well, I feel like.

Starting point is 00:12:21 Yeah, he's going to stop halfway through the rapes. Right. blend in pretty well, I feel like. Yeah, he's gonna stop halfway through the rapes. Right. Bust out a guitar. Like he's f*cking. Start shredding and all the- A vintage guitar. And his lums are gonna go,

Starting point is 00:12:31 oh no no no no no no! Well everyone's gonna stop fighting because they're gonna stand around asking what kind of guitar it is, what kind of pickups are on it. Sean's gonna start talking about his guitar. And everyone's gonna listen. And everyone's gonna kill themselves. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:43 Everyone's gonna go sell their guns for guitars. Yeah. Oh, he's gonna be the new prophet. Sean, tell us about guitars. So then they can just talk about guitars with each other. I have to assume, Sean is a smart guy, talking about guitars must be more rewarding than talking about Allah, right? And hating women, you talk about Allah too much and hating women and raping little boys.

Starting point is 00:13:05 I don't even know sh*t about guitars for as much as I've worked around them. I don't know sh*t about them. But I can tell you, being part of some good guitar talk, you're like, God damn. I know, it's great. You're just like, man,

Starting point is 00:13:17 I wish I knew f*cking more about anything. I wish I could play guitar, f*ck. I wish I knew as much about myself as Sean knows about some random guitar. Damn, I know. And it's just like, f*ck. I could play a guitar, f*ck. I wish I knew as much about myself as Sean knows about some random guitar. Damn, I know. And it's just like, f*ck. I could just keep... They're gonna bring him into the village.

Starting point is 00:13:31 Even certain pieces of gear I know. When someone tells me a good one, I'm like, oh, that's... Tell me more about this. Just any piece of info. Just even whatever values are in the... Whatever, but no. We found our new prophet. Ask. Ask him about what this white man No, ask him a Sean tell him about tell him about the telecaster

Starting point is 00:13:53 Oh, well, if we're gonna talk about the telecaster what we really have to do is start with the stratocast See less Paul and they're gonna be like, oh Yeah, right all their profits will run out of steam talking about what's Killing people gets that's pretty one note someone someone's dead like yeah Yeah, I'm sure veto would do a bunch of different things to it, but it's like you know What's the baby's been aborted? You motherf*ckers just had to you had to cost us the election. Jesus f*cking Christ.

Starting point is 00:14:27 Did you? It wasn't enough fighting the millions of immigrants that they're shipping all, that they're flying all over to Republican cities and states and swing states. You just had to go and start f*cking banning abortions. I mean look, you replace your white guy with a Samo'm a guy of all things like f*ck. It's getting bad. It's so bad that NPR I saw an article where a guy from NPR said oh yeah we f*cked up everything. That's why people people don't trust us anymore because we we lied about everything. It's because we have NPR voice. It's like so when you tell us that like. The same article or another article about NPR. I don't know it was we tried to appeal to black people and Mexicans

Starting point is 00:15:10 But actually we ended up having less than before Mike Do you think do you think black people and do you think Mexicans want to hear that? Oh? Some f*cking pedophile f*cking sleep on the road Jesus. Yeah You'd listen to Mexican music. Bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop I'm doing this in the library. What is their problem? f*ck off. Do they f*ck like that too? It's so sanctimonious. It is so sanctimonious. Like, oh, you're so much better than me. Why does the news do that? You don't even know that microphone.

Starting point is 00:15:51 Why are you talking into it like you f*cking didn't? Welcome to the 10 o'clock news. I spent my own money on this $8,000 microphone. I don't want to break it or mess it up. I'm not even speaking loud enough for you to hear what it actually does, but you know Get f*cked Yeah, that's why I don't consume any media

Starting point is 00:16:10 You know what it is. It's because men men always hire Young women because it's almost like having sex with them. That's what's happened Mm-hmm. That's what's happened to society like that Ed Piscore guy that killed himself It's they always older men always want to mentor and hire young women. Don't mentor anybody. Don't teach anybody anything. Horgate, keep all that f*cking knowledge. Yes. Take it to your grave.

Starting point is 00:16:34 Take it to your grave. That's why everyone- Why the boomers are so successful. Right. Because everyone who invented the internet is all like mostly dead now. So they know how it works. No one else does. They all get in these mentoring positions like oh god a man hits you know 50 and he's like god I really need a I need to impart my knowledge black lesbian to impart my to be my surrogate work daughter yeah f*cking weird it's weird and now those

Starting point is 00:16:59 all those bitches are turning 30 or whatever and this is what we got goddamn planes falling out of the sky god damn solar eclipses Eclipses god damn planes falling out of the sky god damn just talking about Killing pigs literally pigs yeah versus abortion Vito is talking about is Castigating factory farming mr. Factory farms mr. f*cking Factory farming Where does he think all his fast food comes from The trash I don't know. Oh, yeah, they just jet they 3d printed in his world

Starting point is 00:17:40 Uh, I was gonna blow my f*cking brains out that show. I made it I Made the uber driver lose it last night. Did you yeah? Was it better than this chick told me the mustaches look look lame Guys like guys look worse with a mustache and I said, oh, yeah, you're telling me Really? I said, oh, yeah? You're telling me that Hitler looked lame? And the guy, the Uber driver, this black dude... The most iconic f*cking mustache.

Starting point is 00:18:12 Yeah, because everyone's thinking, oh, where's he gonna go? You know, Tom Selleck, whatever. A bus stop to Hitler. He goes, I guess I didn't know where you were gonna go with that one! Thank you. Yeah, like what the f*ck? Uh, World War III was pretty quick, over and done. Was it?

Starting point is 00:18:31 Yeah, you see these drones were flying in from Iran. Mm. Or wherever. I didn't see it, because I don't pay attention to anything. They loaded up all these drones, they printed out, you know that meme from 4chan with the Jewish guy going like, hee hee hee, rubbing his hands together? Oh, I may have seen that once before. They printed all the, they printed those out and put them on the drone, the front of the drones

Starting point is 00:18:49 and they're flying them into Israel. Oh. It looked cool. It's too bad that it's happening, you know, but it looks pretty cool. Did they do like a whole like Shenyang, like light, like organized thing to make it look like a face that like talked to them.

Starting point is 00:19:02 You know what, missed opportunities. They could have flown them in a pattern of like a racial slur. Yeah. Or like, you know, f*ck the USA or something like that. Drones are so advanced now, you can do sh*t like that. China would do that. If China was attacking us by drone, it would say like, You're fat.

Starting point is 00:19:18 We would be blown the f*ck away because it would be... It would look like a big fat woman running at us, right? Like diving from space like oh sh*t like Yeah, the kind of thing that would like paralyze you know someone from the Renaissance era You know just like that kind of whoa I'd be like man. That's ah look at that big fat lady I was actually coming to f*cking kill you would yeah, we would actually die of shock picture of Mao Zedong Him running like, ahhh. A whole army.

Starting point is 00:19:46 Big old co*ck swinging around or tiny penis. I don't know what they like. Ha ha. What, cause tiny penis is sophisticated. You know that? It is, yeah. Apparently. Did you know that?

Starting point is 00:19:58 Do you agree with that? I didn't know that, but according to f*cking all the old art, it would make sense. Uh, cause they had a bunch of tiny wieners and stuff walking around. Back then, man. Before they put all their stat points into ween. That would've been awesome.

Starting point is 00:20:11 Yeah. Tiny wiener society. f*cking zero it, zero charm, zero strength, well, maybe like half strength, f*cking full ween. Yeah, full ween. Yeah. Penis obsessed society we are now. Just f*cking dragging it around. We gotta go back. We gotta go back. Tiny penis society. Mm-hmm. Maybe I should try starting it.

Starting point is 00:20:32 You just gotta lift your truck, dude. That's all. Yeah, that's where, that's where it comes from though. All the big, big trucks, big debt, you know. See the big fat women. Yeah. Comes from needing a big fat co*ck. Big debt is a tiny penis thing though. Well it's a compensation. We gotta embrace tiny penis society. Look at how much money I f*cked myself with.

Starting point is 00:20:55 Yeah, exactly. Jesus. God, that bonus episode was weird. I think I gotta do a re-watch. I'll have to do a first watch. Maddox reads an email that 80s girl sent him like 10 years ago or something. And-

Starting point is 00:21:15 Was it from like a Juno account? She sent it when, she sent it when, cause Maddox, I don't know, he's friends with all of his ex girlfriends cause he's a psycho. Oh, you don't say. She sent it when she found out that he had a new girlfriend. She's like, oh well, guess we'll never get back together. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what this email is, right?

Starting point is 00:21:35 But he forgot that he sent his reply to that email in the restraining order defense. For no reason, he supplied the email that he wrote back to her in his video in the restraining order defense. Oh. For no reason, he supplied the email that he wrote back to her in his video in the restraining order defense. And his response to it is, tell me where you live, is all this totally psychotic, tell me where you live sh*t,

Starting point is 00:21:56 you know what makes me, like just a cry for, what do you want me to be celibate forever? Like, what the f*ck are you, what are you doing? Why did you put this in writing? Why did you put this in writing? Why did you file this in court against me record? Yeah, are you retarded? You know what it is dude less hair you have the more just retarded you are

Starting point is 00:22:18 I mean it f*cking man like a f*cking veto man That's why he's trying to grow his hair back so he gets some f*cking sense into his f*cking skull man He's got to grow some sense back into that f*cking noggin. Jesus Christ. People are not happy with him this week. The comments are all over. I love it. Well, because it's like he brings it on himself, and then he's like, I can't believe everyone thinks that. Why does everyone think so mean to me? I just want to be nice to everyone on Twitter. Yeah. I'm like throwing in money on the crying pool again, so Is there a crying pool what episode he's gonna cry again?

Starting point is 00:22:52 I don't know if there's a specific episode, but I feel like there should be a cry a veto crying. Yeah Yeah, everyone gets to pick it up coming up. Yeah number. Mm-hmm It's coming up dude. We're reaching critical mass again I Got hooked on this show of a guy with no legs that they got doing Like activities, it sounds like a f*cking boomer joke stuff It's not as everything's a joke these days, you know, well except for abortion Yeah, ironically.

Starting point is 00:23:26 Which is a very serious matter. I think people will like the interesting discussion. Who wants to hear, who wants to hear our, like, real opinions on abortion? They want jokes, comedy. Vito's the king of knowing his audience. You think it takeaways about factory farming from? No but I got some good takeaways on someone who doesn't know how to f*cking run a business to

Starting point is 00:23:51 clearly save their f*cking lives Jesus Christ. Hmm. So the guy would know they got this guy with no legs going around like doing jungle gym stuff and crossfit and then they interview him after everything. I'm like what the f*ck going around doing jungle gym stuff and CrossFit. And then they interview him after everything. I'm like, what the f*ck? He's a Paralympic sprinter. Like Oscar Pistorius, the guy that killed his wife. Looking like one of those Toy Story mangled toys,

Starting point is 00:24:18 doing sh*t. Well, and his peg legs are black and he's a black guy. So you kind of can't tell right away until you notice that he's got his ass stuck way out to walk with them. Oh, right, right. So I feel like that's a misstep. First of all, you've got to put the hazardous materials color on those things. People are just going to think you're a guy that walks weird, you know? Right.

Starting point is 00:24:42 I walk all f*cking weird. Guys walking like he's got to take a sh*t Yeah, exactly no he literally doesn't have legs and now you're a f*cking asshole Why does he walk with his why does he have his butt sticking way out? I was like you know I might have something to do with the not having legs see it's always great when you know something Someone else doesn't cuz then you get to be superior and be like you almost said it yourself Yeah, like we had to thought you're like oh you idiot. And when you almost said it yourself, like when you had the thought and you're like, oh, you idiot, it's because he's got f*cking peg legs.

Starting point is 00:25:07 No, stupid, yeah. That's the best feeling. Best. Yes, oh yeah, say it. I can tell you're thinking it. Say it out loud. You always look that much more ahead of the game. I was just, I almost did that myself.

Starting point is 00:25:20 Now you are stupid. You're stupid, not me. Not me for doubting everything I ever knew in my whole life trying to figure this f*cking thing. So they got him doing dancing and stuff, like salsa dancing. Oh sh*t. And the woman says to him with a straight face, the hardest part is remembering the steps. Like, you don't think it's not having no legs?

Starting point is 00:25:46 That's the... She just like totally made a phantom limb joke for him too. He's like, yeah. He's like, I wish I could remember f*cking taking steps. Yeah, hardest part is remembering the steps. Like, time out. Let me... Come over here.

Starting point is 00:26:01 You see, this guy's got no... He's got no f*cking legs. You see that? Don't be saying stuff like the hardest parts got no. Insane. That's like when they always ask like those make a wish kids like, oh, what do you wish for for girls? I was like, oh, I wish I could bring like,

Starting point is 00:26:14 didn't have cancer like, oh, well like. Did they say that? They probably prep them before so they don't have any embarrassing. Yeah. They beat them. We're gonna give you more cancer if you say something stupid and f*ck this whole operation up. So you say it right this time

Starting point is 00:26:30 Make a sticker Let me see what I have here I got more of the huge Johnny. Do you see the eclipse? No, I think of a f*ck about this. I don't give a f*ck about the eclipse. I don't give a f*ck about... Oh man, you know what's the worst part of the eclipse is? The people talking about the eclipse, or the people posting their pictures of the eclipse. It's people telling you you can't look at it. I don't know why.

Starting point is 00:26:56 I look straight into it, I don't know. They all... I don't know why they all want to tell you. It's like, whatever it is. The whole episode I'm like, yeah, dick, it's great. I was just looking the phone. Whatever it is, everybody wants to be useful, right? They want to tell you some information. For the worst things too, like just don't,

Starting point is 00:27:13 be useful at your job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like don't be useful in something that like, don't try and fix all your old video game consoles with no tech experience, you f*cking moron. Who's that about? Vito. Man, you know moron. Who's that about? Vito. Man, you know those self-checkout machines?

Starting point is 00:27:29 Oh yeah. They like gutted them all here. They shut them down. Really? Firstly, and then I don't know if like an activist group came in and just like, it looks like they tore the machines out so nobody could ever use them again. Jesus. It's a real shame.

Starting point is 00:27:43 It is a real shame. It is a real shame. Because they were the perfect IQ test. All the dumb f*cks would go, who didn't know how to use them, couldn't figure them out, would go to the people checkout. And they were usually just open, you know. Yeah. Go get your stuff. Just walk on f*cking through. Now we don't have that technology anymore.

Starting point is 00:28:02 It's a shame. And they're there. They just exist as like this permanent monument to how sh*tty society is. This is what you used to have. This is what you've done to it. Yeah. This you didn't, you couldn't use these properly. So we took them away.

Starting point is 00:28:17 Yeah. See, you could have had it easier on yourself. OK. Maybe you guys stop mentoring little girls because your wife's fat. You f*cking quit making pogs and put out a goddamn comic. I saw this documentary, what Jennifer did on Netflix. What the f*ck is that? It's amazing, man. It's a true crime thing, but it's one movie instead of 20 movies.

Starting point is 00:28:47 Instead of multiple seasons and all that sh*t. I'm almost interested in that now. It was great. It felt like a story. It felt like a narrative. I'm watching the new Fallout thing, and at this point, bro, I can't tell any of these series apart from each other. It's like everything that's busted out into multi, like an eight or 10 episode thing is exactly the same as every other. Like these sh*tty characters that go, this slow, slow, like, oh, we're gonna get

Starting point is 00:29:17 into the backstory really slowly. And each new episode, like half the episode is a recap of the last episode. It's so bad. It's so bad it's so bad what they've done to you miniseries used to be amazing used to be a cool television event go sh*t that's a f*cking miniseries now it's like coming out man how do we really stretch this one out like oh give it a like a maxi series I didn't know I needed 20 episodes about something that I like.

Starting point is 00:29:45 You don't. I'd rather just go play the f*cking games at this point. Who wants to hear a story that that's long? That's no one. So I'm watching this documentary and it's this girl Jennifer. She's like Asian. What did she did? She killed her parents.

Starting point is 00:30:01 But I realized, I thought of something, if you're ever in- That's a great documentary. What'd she do? Oh sh*t? Okay? Oh, yeah, I'd watch that a million times. It's a psycho f*ck That's a great detail. Okay next no crazier than any other one though You know they're all capable of it When she starts the interview I realized like hey if you're ever in that situation You got to do a you got to do a racist voice when the cops are interviewing you. So then when they play your... they make a documentary out of it.

Starting point is 00:30:31 Because they all got that footage. You can go like, no, I'd do nothing, right? f*ck. Yeah. And then they have to put a disclaimer. This isn't his real voice. For some reason, he was doing this voice the whole interview. Jesus Christ. You think that's a good idea? Well, it's kind of like how people used to swear when they were getting interviewed on

Starting point is 00:30:50 the street because you can use that in radio. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. f*ck! Yeah. Oh well, f*ck, can't use that clip. Yeah, so it's just kind of like, it's an interesting safeguard for it.

Starting point is 00:31:00 You want to see what hell looks like? Couldn't be any worse than what the f*cking drive here was like. This is what hell looks like according to AI. Jesus. I don't know. Hell, I guess. f*ck. Doesn't look so bad. No fat people in hell. See that's how you know it's not hell. Yeah hell is... I don't know, it seems kind of like you'd get used to this. That doesn't look like an endless line somewhere Here's a funny Here's a funny thing. I saw this is you know the morango casino. I am familiar with the Mongo casino

Starting point is 00:31:38 Mongo Congo casino never mind all that sh*t here comes Mongo Tell me if you think this ad is is weird Morongo casino? Never mind all that sh*t, here comes Mongo. Tell me if you think this ad is weird. Oops. Morongo is made for everybody. See this is black lady walking, this hot black lady. It's some good times and great food. She's sitting down with her friends.

Starting point is 00:31:56 While meeting some great friends. Looking at the camera and it changed to an old white woman. Then again, the slots are always calling. So you find your favorite game. Morongo is for you. Morongo is made for everybody. It's not that she's an old white woman. It's that Morongo sucked the life out of her.

Starting point is 00:32:15 And that's your chance to an old black guy. What? What the f*ck kind of ad is that? Mentoring 20-year-old women. That's how that happens. That's why all of this is happening because these 50 year old f*cking bed-dead motherf*ckers can't stop mentoring young girls. It like... They got a whole bunch of them. He's a Chinese lady.

Starting point is 00:32:43 You like high stakes black, Jimmy. See it would have been funny if- Chinese lady? See, it would have been funny if- HAHAHAHAHAHA! Changed to an old white man! What the hell? Changed to an old gay Anderson Cooper looking white man! Alright, let's see it. He changes into the lady for the second time. You think so? That's how. Yeah. Let's see. He changes into the lady for the second you think you think so

Starting point is 00:33:15 That was a prequel that seek well cuz I saw more spot one Are these people thinking the thing to wars got everybody's brain scrambled Well, what made it funny is if they show the Chinese lady and they go this casinos for everybody and everyone in the casinos Chinese Oh everybody more that would just everybody's Chinese Chinese and they go, this casino's for everybody, and everyone in the casino's Chinese. Oh, everybody morphed. No, just everybody's Chinese and they stay Chinese. That would be better. That would be like, sh*t, I guess I can't go to Murongo, but I want to now. I hope I don't get morphed in Murongo.

Starting point is 00:33:38 Oh, you walk in and then they turn you Chinese. Yeah. sh*t, man. Oh, that's interesting. I don't want to be any other race. That's a very rich casino, yeah, man. Oh, that's interesting. That's be any other that's a very any other a you know yeah, Jesus All right, here's a I got some surveys and stuff British Muslims percent who support Hamas 46% Wow, that's a lot

Starting point is 00:33:58 Beth What else is new? Who want percent who wants Sharia law in the UK? 32%? Oh, you guys got a problem over there, I think. I want to make it illegal to show a picture of Mohammed. 52%. I was thinking that with Bob and David sketch, like,

Starting point is 00:34:19 yeah, we're going to do some crazy sh*t tonight. We're going to have all these events going on. We're going to draw a picture of the Prophet Muhammad. And everyone's like, whoa! Whoa! I see a lot of Christians, they always have this thing like, the response to getting made fun of is, I bet you wouldn't say that about Islam.

Starting point is 00:34:39 Like, yeah, cause we're, cause they do terrorism and stuff. What do you mean? We like you guys. Do you guys forget that? That's why we're, uh, because they do terrorism and stuff. What do you mean? We like you guys. Do you guys forget that? That's why we're making fun of you. You're not supposed to want to hurt someone for making fun of you. You're doing it correctly. Just deal with getting made fun of like everybody else.

Starting point is 00:34:57 I bet you wouldn't say that about Islam. Yeah, because they're crazy. Because I'm afraid of getting... Because they're f*cking horrible. You would win that bet yeah no sh*t see f*cking good defense sorry they're like hey like you know you really see what's going on yeah yeah yeah it is maybe it's maybe they're learning they're starting to figure out oh sh*t we shouldn't have been so nice this time They're like, you know what? We'll take back Chick-fil-A in and out

Starting point is 00:35:28 Oh, yeah, they got in and out has that Bible verse on the bottom of their cups. Don't they something like that? I feel a little more godly each time I eat there Yeah Percentage of British Muslims who believe Hamas murdered and raped on 10-7? 24%! They just don't believe that anyone was murdered or raped? Nah. Don't believe it.

Starting point is 00:35:55 That's a bit odd. AI. No. AI? It's just like how do you... How do you not believe that? Like know they were actually murdered. Nah.

Starting point is 00:36:03 Nah. Nah. Probably not. Doubt it. Um, okay. Well, it's too late. Ahem. Uh, how about how to get a PlayStation 5 under socialism? You want to learn about socialism? I don't. I'm actually

Starting point is 00:36:18 quite sick of it at this point. Yeah? Sick of it? What's socialism done for me? Nothing. Uh, here's a professor explaining how to get a PlayStation 5 under socialism. Probably an easy process, I guess. I'm sure. To you, Professor Wolf, under your system of worker cooperatives, would I still get my PlayStation 5?

Starting point is 00:36:40 Absolutely. You'd have to struggle a little bit for it. You'd have to talk to your fellow workers. You'd have to talk about the distribution of income. You'd have to compare your desire for PlayStation against all the other interests of all the other people. It wouldn't be something you worked out on your own with your particular boss in any way. It would have to be a democratic decision. You'd have to come to terms with that the way you do with democratic decisions now in our society to the extent that we have them. What the f*ck? You put on a suit to say that retarded sh*t?

Starting point is 00:37:23 Yeah. Why? Why don't you just wear a bathrobe or something? Everything you're saying is f*cking dumb. That was like the equivalent of looking at an Excel spreadsheet. Like that's just like, wow, if you break it down by all these technical... It's got a whole... You gotta go talk to everyone in town if you want a PlayStation and weigh the needs of the town out with. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:42 That... What's wrong with these people? Why do they think that's gonna work? I'd like to see him go do that for a PS5. Mm-hmm. I think that's how everything in academia works. Well, I think you guys should work a little harder. Give me some money so I can get this PS5.

Starting point is 00:37:57 Yeah. I'm like, okay, old man. Okay, man. Go f*ck yourself. Uh, let's see. The ma- women punching is the hot new thing in New York City. Jesus. Sounds pretty cool. I hope we're- I hope we're- it comes out here soon.

Starting point is 00:38:16 Men punching- men punching random women in New York City. A desperate last gasp of the male rage fueling MAGA oh Hmm are they is it MAGA country there in New York City? Is that who's doing the punching? That's usually where I associate that with yeah, it's goddamn MAGA guys I'm gonna New York City stole my car beat me up and Stole my car for Trump me up and stole my car for Trump. Stole my bike.

Starting point is 00:38:48 f*cking bastards. We can't let Trump get in there because these guys are going to be stealing all our stuff. Yep. We're going to be punching women. In New York City. They bus them in. All the red hat guys, big Trump bus, and they just go around f*cking knocking broads out.

Starting point is 00:39:04 Boom! Bam! Knock her shoes right off. They're like, grab a hat, get some punches in. Random New York City attacks are an extreme manifestation of men feeling entitled to women's time and attention. Yeah, I don't know about that. That's kind of flattering yourself, isn't it? That guy wanted my time and attention so much he knocked me out.

Starting point is 00:39:23 Sounds like he wanted you to shut the f*ck up. Why'd you get knocked out because I'm so attractive Cuz guy cuz men want to f*ck me so cuz men want to f*ck me so much. Oh, wow I don't turn into the f*cking machine murder machine. Yeah. Wow, that guy just knocked guy just hauled off and Walloped you on the subway, huh? Yeah, it's cuz I'm so hot You couldn't handle my hot curves. Sure you weren't getting out of the, getting the f*ck out of his way or something like that? Or at least needed to?

Starting point is 00:39:51 Men are punching random women on the streets of New York City. Wow. They should put that in a, the tourism board should put out some billboards. Men are punching the f*cking, bring your wife to celebrate your anniversary in New York City. Men are punching women all over the place over here.

Starting point is 00:40:08 It's like those pennies, those change slots, the gas stations, like take a punch, leave a punch. Punch a woman, yeah. As usual with these kinds of diffuse and chaotic stories, there's much that is unknown, I doubt that, including how often this is happening. Oh, but many people are involved, or whether it's at all coordinated. Yeah, it's on the men's group chat. I'm on it.

Starting point is 00:40:38 Oh yeah, you're not on it. All men on the world are in the same group chat. Yeah. We decided we're gonna start knocking broads out. Yeah, it was a global announcement. Hey, everyone. I think it's time, guys. Let's bring it back.

Starting point is 00:40:48 Going to New York City, punch women. We'll start in New York, then we'll take it to LA, and then London, Paris. We're going on a whole. It's the most coordinated thing to have ever happened. Yeah, you think men are just getting angry no, it's not really, yeah. angry at women, you know? You sure it's from all the-

Starting point is 00:41:07 By coincidence? Incessant honking and nothing but noise in New York City, driving people f*cking insane for living in such an unnatural environment that they just f*cking lose it. You think it's cause you talk so loud? Yeah, the straw that broke the camel's back and just people losing it. CNN reports that dozens of women have discussed being victims on social media.

Starting point is 00:41:27 They're probably lying. And formerly interviewed. Oh, there's six of them? You can punch people on social media now. Oh, you can? Apparently. Sign me up. Ah, sh*t.

Starting point is 00:41:36 Yeah. We'd already test that feature out. Whatever the scale of this problem. So six women got punched and it's Trump's fault? Okay. It is. You didn women got punched and it's Trump's fault. Okay, it is You didn't know that That's cool. He sent out he sent that in the group chat He was like, hey, by the way, if you happen to be in New York City, make sure you punch a woman

Starting point is 00:41:57 We got to get the brand out there, you know, God that would be amazing if he goes I hope that's his last tweet before he goes to prison everybody if you see a woman punch her You just see everyone like Punch a woman today. What am I gonna say? I guess I have to like They can't arrest all of us Trump Right. Mm-hmm. You see today punch a woman. They can't arrest us all period punch Right? Mm-hmm. If you see today, punch a woman, they can't arrest us all. Period. Punch?

Starting point is 00:42:26 Uh, this is, uh... Everybody. This is a cashier at a thing. She's, uh, zooming. She's on a zoom from the Philippines. I guess this is coming to a... How the f*ck does this work exactly? Oh, minimum wage is $100. Okay, we're gonna set up a screen and, uh a screen, and some woman in the Philippines is gonna zoom in

Starting point is 00:42:46 for eight hours and tell you where to stick your credit card. How do, what exactly are the externalities of this? What is the effects of such a move? Not a lot of people work in the service industry, right? We should be okay if all of them got fired. Everybody working behind a desk, or running a shop, or something like it'll be we'll probably we'll be alright yeah let's you know just outsource all of it to the f*cking

Starting point is 00:43:10 Philippines that's cool let's just use zoom notoriously stable and always working yeah easy to use thing yeah they could do they could do remote control of door dash to send it to the Philippines So they could be there with a joystick driving your food around a Tesla a little honk come out get your food. I I Don't know if I hate this or hate it a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah But I don't like it Okay I hate this yet, but I don't like it Okay, I think it's funny

Starting point is 00:43:53 That's really funny, but I also hate it. Here's here's a good one Woman alert This is a Democrat, I don't know if she is she in the Senate or the- let me see. Is she a Senator? Congresswoman. Okay. Uh, Sheila Jackson Lee. This is what she has to say about, uh, the moon. Oh!

Starting point is 00:44:15 That's made of barbecue ribs? You know, see women- women have a strange relationship with the moon. In that, uh, they don't know exactly what it is they know that the moon they know the phrase the moon right they know the Sun yeah they got a pretty good beat on the Sun Sun keeps warm light makes things grow makes sh*t grow it makes you close see through sometimes easy they got they could tell you Sun no big no big deal. Moon? Moon, they don't know.

Starting point is 00:44:46 Moon's iffy. Some of them might know it's different than the sun. A lot of them don't. You say sun. I got you. I got you covered. Say moon. Honey, we're talking about the moon now.

Starting point is 00:44:58 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nobody said nothing about no moon. Why would I have to know sh*t about the moon? I was thinking that SNL Harry Carrey thing. I think it was welfare. Yeah, has it made of cheese? Made of barbecue ribs? They really don't.

Starting point is 00:45:11 People think I'm being hyperbolic, but I'm not. Here, let's see what this Congresswoman has to say about the moon. Provide unique light and energy so that you have the energy of the moon at night and sometimes you've heard the word full moon sometimes you need to take the opportunity just to come out and see a full moon is that complete rounded circle which is made up mostly of gases and that's sorry what when you hear this commencement speech for a second what did you you want to rephrase that what you said about the moon all I know is when you hear the word... Can I interrupt this commencement speech for a second? What did you...

Starting point is 00:45:45 You wanna rephrase that? What you said about the moon? All I know is when you hear the word full moon... That's all you need to know. I never had the full moon broke down for me like that. Bro, you know? Made of gases. You know the full moon, yeah? Yeah, what about it?

Starting point is 00:45:59 It's all round. Oh yeah, cause of all the gases. That's why the question the question is why or how could we as humans live on the moon? Are the gases such that we could do that? What the Sun is a mighty powerful heat? But it's almost impossible to go near the Sun

Starting point is 00:46:23 What almost impossible to go near the Sun? Yeah, there- What?! Almost impossible to go near the sun?! Yeah, there's only been like- What the f*ck are you talking about?! You know, this guy Icarus may have done it in the mythology somewhere in f*cking ancient history. What are you even- What's going on in your mind that this is the sentences you're stringing together about

Starting point is 00:46:40 the moon and the sun?! It is almost impossible to get near the sun. Who the f*ck is getting near the sun? is it like the gas because it was too much gas is the gravity fully round you never hear full Sun you only want to get near the Sun well you it's almost impossible almost but not that you could it is almost near the Sun where am I near it? Well, you'll know because you'll be dead. Well, because yeah, once you've realized that it's almost impossible.

Starting point is 00:47:10 Wait, so when she says- How's the sun get near the sun then? When she says it's almost impossible, is she leaving leeway for someone in the future to get to the sun? So she'll be like, well, see- Yeah, she's talking to these students. But one day one of you might get near the sun. One of you morons will get to the sun. Exactly, like Icarus. This is the opposite of a commencement speech. No, no, no. Don't fly too close to it. Fly right into that mother-

Starting point is 00:47:31 You can fly right into the sun if you really put your mind to it. You could fly close to the sun. Look, I said it's almost impossible. Not impossible. You get your ass in that ship. You f*cking fly into that f*cking sun. It's more manageable. and you will see in a moment or not a moment you'll see in a couple of years that NASA is going back to the moon hmm I unique light and energy uh-huhso that you have the energy of the moon at night.

Starting point is 00:48:06 Well, you don't. It's still the sun. You don't have no energy from the moon, you dumb bitch. But... but you see it's round. So then she says, uh... She... she said... she caps it off with this gem. Obviously I misspoke... ...and meant to say the sun. But you said at night.

Starting point is 00:48:25 But as usual, Republicans are focused on stupid things instead of stuff that really matters. No, what matters is that all of you running the country are too stupid to speak in any way coherently about the f*cking moon being in the sky. That's what matters is that everybody running the country is so dumb, you can't trust them to make an observation about the sun and the moon that a five-year-old could make.

Starting point is 00:48:53 Tell me something about the sun and the moon. Five-year-old, well, moon comes out at night, rotates around the earth, causes tides, reflected light off the sun. Sometimes it's round, sometimes it's not. Congressman, tell me about the sun and the moon. Well, it's almost impossible to get near the sun. What the f*ck are you talking about?

Starting point is 00:49:05 What the f*ck? It's not a statement at all. Why are you thinking about going to the sun? That's the problem. What can I say though? Foolish thinkers lust for stupidity. Yeah, I mean, you real Rhodes scholar. So here's something that makes me a rage is

Starting point is 00:49:18 I used to work with this guy who is, everything he would say was so technically specific. Where are the woman punchers when you need them? Well, that wasn't New York City. Yeah, try that sh*t in New York City. Try that sh*t in the small town called New York City. But he was so technically specific with everything that if you did what he was instructing you incorrectly,

Starting point is 00:49:40 that's because you're an idiot. And there's a reason technical terms exist so we know what the f*ck we're talking about. So if you're going out saying the wrong technical term you don't know what the f*ck you're talking about. You need to understand that before you go tell people. It's like it's almost I'm not going to say it's impossible. I'm not going to say it's impossible to go in the sun.

Starting point is 00:49:59 But it's like it's like almost impossible. It's almost impossible. Obviously I misspoke. What about what? What were you speaking about? Oh, and by the way, you didn't catch it at the time in a moment. I mean in a few years few However many you know NASA's gonna go back to the moon to get the gas It's calling that need calling that shot real early. We need to go back to the moon I think we need to send some people to the moon a lot of them most of them most people go to the moon

Starting point is 00:50:27 Okay This is dr. Phil There's no beer. Oh f*ck Who you have to drink above That's it no I can't drink those they it upsets my throat The juice IPA is the juice for- you f*cked it up too. You saw warm IPA, you didn't see the juice because they put the juice as the same color as the can. That's the f*cking- that- I was like, oh, there's an IPA right here.

Starting point is 00:50:54 Curse misrepresentation. And then you look at the label and I'm like, ah, juice blast. What the f*ck is that? What the f*ck indeed. Dr. Phil destroys a DEI advocate in under 40 seconds. You know, it kind of annoys me because I feel like Dr. Phil owes me an apology. He should have you back on the show. Yeah, so I can say, oh yeah, remember when you said that I would feel stupid for saying what I said? Now it is in fact you.

Starting point is 00:51:17 Guess what, you f*cking stage manager. Guess what you did, Dr. Phil, by empowering women for 20 years. Like, I f*cking told you, you stupid, you f*cked this all up. Be funny if they got the same lady back so she could be like, yeah, if I was, I'd be at the back of that line. God, I would love to talk to her.

Starting point is 00:51:35 Do you think she changed her life after that or do you think she killed herself? What if she's like a fitness influencer now? Well, that's what I mean, like what if she just was like, f*ck, like f*cking, what if you made the world a better place by doing that? Is what I'm saying. I probably did. Someone somewhere was affected by that.

Starting point is 00:51:51 Somewhere, somewhere someone knows that lady. Mm-hmm. I watched this other documentary where there's a bunch of these fat broads like trying to figure out mystery dead people, like trying to find the identities of people who died. That they sat on. mystery dead people like trying to find the identities of That they sat on and They're all like total c*nts like control freaks Constantly fighting about their Facebook group control everything but your diet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and then

Starting point is 00:52:25 At the end of the they found out who the guy was because a radio station like a a TV station ran an ad on it. That was how they, the fat women, it was the whole documentary about these fat women blowing leads and f*cking up. And then a TV station ran a picture of the guy and someone, and all these women were like, oh yeah, I know that guy. Jesus f*cking me. And they all, all these women, fat women,

Starting point is 00:52:41 like fell in love with this guy. He's like, oh, he's such a kind soul. And everyone who knew him, like, really loved him on these trails, these hiking trails. And he f*cking was a murderer. And then when they TV stations run the thing, all these women are like, oh yeah, I know. That guy's a real f*cking asshole.

Starting point is 00:52:53 He kicked the sh*t out of me. So the end of the documentary was them going like, well, yeah, I guess he was kind of a dick. What a waste of f*cking time. Dr. Phil destroys DEI advocate in under 40 seconds. What do you think my point was, Dr. Phil? He tried to warn you. I tried to warn everyone.

Starting point is 00:53:19 How do we, HR leader, how do we help level the playing field for everyone? Dr. Phil, okay, that means you're trying to create equality of outcome. Let me see. Some demographics come to the table and have to overcome racism, unconscious bias, misogyny. And so how do we help level the playing field? Look at this black guy's look while she's talking.

Starting point is 00:53:45 For everyone. Okay, so that means you're trying to create a quality of outcome. That's what I hear you saying about playing God. How do you create a quality of outcome when people aren't the same? You're right, some people are shorter, some people are taller looking over that fence.

Starting point is 00:54:07 They can't both play in the NBA. Right. You can't create a quality of outcome. What gives a DEI program the right to come in and try and alter the nature of things to create a quality of outcome? That's been tried, that didn't work. That was called Marxism.

Starting point is 00:54:27 Not as good as mine no he should have he should have rewatched that episode I mean he of all people should have the f*cking tape for it I love how they all have to use the NBA because it's all black people right they're like well this is all like really heavily racist you wouldn't do this in the NBA would you? I had to sit through a DEI training. Oh, you did? Because for the place I worked, that was corporate owned. Oh, wow.

Starting point is 00:54:51 Which was funny, because we were the most diverse group of, you know, it's all studio people. Yeah. And then you were. You who are not white. Yeah, they made me sit there, and I'm like, OK, well, here's me with one of my Indian coworkers, and we're sitting here like, yeah, we

Starting point is 00:55:04 work with f*cking people from around the world all day long, like day in and day out. Like what are we here for? How was it? Would they make you, did you have to talk about like- At times you felt like you experienced racism, and when they broke us off into groups, we all sat there kind of like,

Starting point is 00:55:21 we all work in kind of like, pretty good job. It's so corporate around here, you can't make any sort of off-color jokes anyway. So it's like, okay, cool. They're like, yeah, just making sure you guys understand the rules around here. It's like, yeah, we know. Now you're impeding us from doing work and then we're going to get sh*t on because now we're behind by all this sh*t. What a f*cking waste of time. And the people doing the trainings too were the most smug, just like, oh well you see if it weren't for us,

Starting point is 00:55:50 you wouldn't be so enlightened. Savages would be just touching each other's hair, snagging. It's like, oh thanks for that. You'd only be using slurs if not for us. Call each other, so glad we're at gym, everything. Now I have to go to explain to my clients

Starting point is 00:56:06 why I was gone for an hour and why they're all f*cking furious that we're blind. Thanks. Do they have to say that when they sell their consulting package? Like man, we- They say if you don't do this, then you're racist. Then you're racist, yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:19 Racism dropped by. If you do, racism increased after our DEI training. Yeah, cause I don't like to be sat in a room and told I have to listen to a condescending presentation, so I'm going to do the opposite of it. There's nothing like people just being like, so when's, you know, just tell us about some racist things. And it's like, I don't even care. Like that's not even like, I'm more concerned with like, like, look, I got people f*cking breathing down my neck right now to get this sh*t done

Starting point is 00:56:45 Like I don't have this Michigan parents of a school shooter were sentenced to 10 to 15 years for their son Wow, that seems some little autism headphones going like that. Yeah, what the hell is going on with this guy? Give him 15 years just for that f*cking haircut. Jesus Christ And her haircut too. What the f*ck is going on up there? Okay, good god you could do that we're throwing parents in prison now the parents of school shooters in Michigan have been jailed After being convicted of manslaughter. Yeah, you should have beat your kid like now. Yeah, hey the price

Starting point is 00:57:24 Huh? Ethan is serving life in prison for murder and he killed four students The mother and the father went to prison The gun he had been given was a gift Wow, that seems That seems a little rough my husband and I used to say we had the perfect kid. I truly believed that. That's probably why you're going to... you can't say stuff like that. You gotta say that kid was a f*cking monster. He watched too much. He was on TikTok all the time. The Chinese got in his brain.

Starting point is 00:57:56 That's why they're getting 10 to 15 years too. Because they're like, oh, if you think that's what a perfect kid is, you guys are also f*cked. You guys are guilty of something. I didn't have a reason to do anything different. This is not something I foresaw. Yeah, that's kinda... Give a teenager a gun. Well, of course.

Starting point is 00:58:14 It's one thing if you grow up around that. Around guns? He's in Michigan, he probably did. Maybe. Midwest. Yeah, they got shooting clubs and stuff. Kids have guns out there. Well, okay. but to f*cking...

Starting point is 00:58:28 Like, how do you not... Are we sending, I guess in LA, all the shooters' dads are already in prison? So I guess we can't do that. We can't really roll this out to big cities. Doesn't work out here. Prosecutors have argued that the parents bear responsibility for their child's actions because they gave him a gun and they didn't see signs of violence. Man, oh man, just kill him. Why? You know, why go halfway on it? Your kid did something we don't like. And when they get out, they're gonna get back, or, when they get out, someone will have squatted in their house and they'll get re-put back into prison for shooting the squad.

Starting point is 00:59:04 Are there kids that are like, oh oh f*ck parents are going to jail now Great now they're now you guys now you gave them an excuse to act like total assholes But you get my parents an excuse to act like complete assholes all the time. Thanks cuz anything I do could get them thrown in You thought they were bad before oh, yeah the beatings will be the The beatings, yeah. Now it's gonna be a... Don't you f*cking look at that gun. Cage match.

Starting point is 00:59:32 Unreal. You were drinking a beer last night, that's it! You're gonna drive drunk and then I'm gonna go to jail! Bam! Bam! Bam! Society probably would be a lot better after that. You think so?

Starting point is 00:59:43 Maybe more violent. Probably. People would f*cking quit acting up. I could f*cking probably guarantee that. God damn. Oh, wait a second. What about the grandparents? Shouldn't they go to jail too?

Starting point is 00:59:56 Oh yeah. You didn't see that you were raising people who'd- They passed those chains on, man. Get them gone too. A school shooter. Get them all out. Oh, I thought we raised two pretty good kids. Jail.

Starting point is 01:00:06 Well, let's skip the generation. You f*cked up. Gone. That would be dumb, right? We locked Grandma and Nana and Papa up. They used your 23andMe data to lock up your whole genealogy. Everybody. They're like, well.

Starting point is 01:00:19 Yeah. Okay. Bad strain. Have fun with that sh*t. You got a new Nazi salute Just was announced. Let's see any involving a pug in the UK Oh, it's pretty cool What is this these guys are oh

Starting point is 01:00:44 This is a Star Wars Thing what the f*ck is this hand These guys are... Oh, this is a Star Wars thing? What the f*ck is this hand sign they're doing? So this is a hand sign that they've developed to mean equality? What equality means to me, and this is the, these are the developers of the new Star Wars game. And they've got a, they've got an ad campaign where they're talking about how equality they all are.

Starting point is 01:01:14 And instead of just standing there with a smile, they have this crazy symbol that looks like it's about to become two Nazi salutes to mean equality like in Bill and Ted when the people from the future go like this. At what point do they know it's a cult? They've got, do they need uniforms? And then they never do. It's never a cult.'s what makes it a... When they put on equality robes and hats, will the hats tip them off? Once they get equality hats, they're like a bunch of levels to show. They need to be all white hats because white is the culmination of all the colors.

Starting point is 01:01:57 Spectrum, yeah, right. So they need to be white hoods. Pure white hoods, white outfits, hand signals. They got the hands, yeah, they're pretty close. I'm a fourth degree DEI expert. What equality? I've been unemployed for about two years. We're all on this boat together, and we

Starting point is 01:02:18 don't have long on this ride. God damn, people just cannot use metaphors. Be kind, be weird, be free. trans rights are human rights. Okay. Well go back to the last guy quick Cuz the whitest f*cking guy in the world. Well, so is that to guy last slide? But the thing with this is okay What to call renouncing off? Okay, cool next like I can read that and I'm like, all right, maybe Maybe uh, you know, it's short enough to where I'm like, okay, that's short enough to where I'm like, all right I might entertain that

Starting point is 01:02:50 He's respecting my time. You thought about it. You thought about it. Yeah, you condensed it to something I could remember the next slide a phone number, you know easy next side. I see all that f*cking text I'm not reading that sh*t. What equality means to me? Whoa! No it doesn't! Nothing means all of this to anybody. Get seven words, get out of here. Equality means that all people, regardless of their birth or background... That was covered under all people.

Starting point is 01:03:18 Deserve the same respect and opportunity. Again, there's reasons that words exist because they mean things. What a f*cking concept. For some this will mean being provided aid. So they may... oh god. You'll be provided aids. So if you write too many words you get aids. They may aspire to rise above social, mental, or physical friction. What? Which might otherwise prevent them from physical friction.

Starting point is 01:03:46 f*ck. You gotta grease that seat. What equality means to me not having to do other people's emotional- A woman saying this. Not having to do- Not having to- Hey, that's funny. Do other people's emotional labor. That's- Oh, G-Peg.

Starting point is 01:03:59 Holy f*cking sh*t. Oh. See, that's a great slide. You know what I'm sick of Johnny? I'm sick of people sending me creepy texts, right? I'm sick of being told to show you my tit*. Yeah, I'm sick of being told to smile. I'm not having to do other people's emotionally labor. See, that's short enough to where I'm like.

Starting point is 01:04:25 f*ck's sake. That's short enough to where I'm like, all right. Even in one sentence, a woman can say something so aggravating that it will take you the rest of your life to get over. Is there a punching women in New York problem? I can't imagine why.

Starting point is 01:04:41 It's you putting that, that's your emotional labor. What does equality mean to you? You know, we're talking about everybody, the whole human race. What does equality mean to you? It means me not having to do other, it means me not having to listen to other people. That's what equality means to you? You know, we're going to put this in like a magazine. Oh, yeah, should I make it more about me? Put in the sentence with me too, like. Yes, sir. Me. Yes me

Starting point is 01:05:08 It means me not having to do other people's emotional labor. That's not mine. Yeah Gotta chip in for everyone, you know, we all have to do each other's emotional Let's start with mine. Yeah, we'll start with mine first. Do you think that they thought this they're like man? I don't know about this this equals sign thing that we're doing that maybe it's kind of gay. Nah, it's great It's cool You don't think this will at all look stupid We will put a white background in it so you can just easily crap out what's underneath and put your own words under there can you say that it's supposed to be an equal sign because a lot of people aren't gonna get it they're

Starting point is 01:05:50 just gonna think you're like doing Napoleon Dynamite hands yeah because it doesn't really look like an equal sign maybe like this would be a little better but it's too far like we're used to equal something though, it's like... Maybe this? Or finger. That's cool. For me, equality is providing cerebral opportunities. What the f*ck? What are these guys on? For me, equality is providing cerebral opportunities.

Starting point is 01:06:19 Is this like the X-Men? No, I... Cerebro opportunities? Some guy on Venice Beach tried to hand me a CD that said Cerebral Opportunities on it and said, no thanks. For me, equality is providing cerebral opportunities to women. Oh, glad you're so brazen about what equality is. What's equality? Is it everybody getting equal? No, women. It's about for women.

Starting point is 01:06:43 This is for women. Where they can be mother and CEO at the same time. I Thought the whole thing was to not want to be can't think the same time. You cannot be a CEO and a mother at the same time Not a good one. You could be a really bad one of the other Well, look you could be a sh*tty one of both. Is your line about Hillary Clinton not being able to please her man? Yeah, I want dr. Phil to go watch all that rewatch it You could be a sh*tty one of both. Was there a line about Hillary Clinton not being able to please her man? Yeah. I want Dr. Phil to go watch all that, rewatch it.

Starting point is 01:07:11 He needs to. I was right. You f*cking called it. I was f*cking right. You f*cking called it. No, they're not equal, Phil. And this equality sh*t is poisoning society. Yep. It's poisoning all of civilization.

Starting point is 01:07:22 And in 20 years, our goddamn planes are gonna be falling out of the f*cking sky He tried to cash in on that little Silver vein not realizing the gold mine was f*cking right in front of him mother load was right under his nose But he chose to be liked he chose the path of he chose the easy path of wickedness Opal mining like a moron dumb motherf*cker dumb asshole This man's not an actor. No, I'm a prophet, Phil! This is run-a-ruin the f*cking world, man! Don't you understand?

Starting point is 01:07:53 Don't you understand? Listen to me! Listen to me! You fat f*ck! You fat stage manager. Fat co*cksucker! Get your wife out of here! Jesus Christ. You fat co*cksucker, get your wife out of here. Jesus Christ. Equality is providing cerebral opportunities to women where they can be mother and CEO at the same time

Starting point is 01:08:12 and no one question about how they can manage all. And no one question, and no one question how they can manage it all. Well, then no one has ever said that. No one has ever said to a woman, how do you do so many great things at the same time? That sentence has never been uttered until now. Well, and the thing is, is if you want it to be equal,

Starting point is 01:08:35 how you're supposed to question things, right? Cause we're supposed to all be better by getting to the core of whatever we're trying to solve. Yeah, so it's like. You think you could be a better CEO if you weren't spending so much time at home changing diapers? How dare you?

Starting point is 01:08:50 That, don't you question what I do. Elon Musk, everyone says, yeah, he's probably the worst dad ever. He's abandoned all of his kids. He seems to have like a weird impregnation breeding fetish or cult. He is extremely f*cked, sh*tty dad. Great scammer though.

Starting point is 01:09:04 Great scammer. Gotta hand it to him. The only bot Twitter because he's angry at his trans daughter. sh*tty dad. Great scammer though. Great scammer. Gotta hand it to him. He only bought Twitter because he's angry at his trans daughter. That's f*cking... The only reason. It's not about free speech at all. It's we gotta get some anti-trans sh*t going in here. Which is cool, but...

Starting point is 01:09:16 That's why he bought it. Yep. It's not free speech. Yeah. Why... No one questioned this. Watch me work, but don't question it. Don't question it.

Starting point is 01:09:28 Where a woman could be a mother and a CEO. Don't question how I could help you do this as well. Or even how, you know, if I'm even good at one thing or the other. Yeah, oh, here's a. It's equal. Ben Affleck's kids announced, said they were trans at the funeral.

Starting point is 01:09:43 Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's daughter came out as trans during her grandfather's funeral. That's cool. Funerals should be, you know, more... Funerals should be just all disrespectful. I think that... It's too much like church, man. I was at my grandfather's funeral, the f*cking priest starts talking about going to hell. Like, man, this is... I like what you're doing, actually. The priest knows we should all be doing the priest thing.

Starting point is 01:10:05 Like, Vito ruined his friend's funeral with his jokes. Vito... What hasn't Vito ruined? God. The, uh... The thing I always think back to is how people are probably still sh*tting on Gigi Allen's grave. Who's Gigi Allen? It's some guy. Okay.

Starting point is 01:10:29 Famous guy? Eh, you could say that. Okay. Um... How is it 1.30 already? I know, Jesus. How are they sh*tting on him? No, they would, they'll go and sh*t on his actual gravesite.

Starting point is 01:10:41 And they just, that's what they do. They go like, yeah, this is what we do, is you sh*t on his grave. Yeah, that's good. Well, that's what I mean is, so I think, I think if you're gonna do a funeral, it has to be some level of party where it's like, look, we went together to, like,

Starting point is 01:10:57 I want people to be like, man. Not just celebration of life sh*t, have you seen those? That's the DEI of death. I want people to be like, man, you know what? I'm bummed that he's f*cking dead, but God damn it, like, that's the DEI of death. I want people to be like, man, you know what? I'm bummed that he's f*cking dead, but God damn it, like that motherf*cker did so much stupid sh*t,

Starting point is 01:11:10 and also the food here was so good. And then we're gonna feed him to dogs, he's gonna throw them out in the garbage. And one cat. And one cat. She told the memorial service, which was streamed live on Facebook, well, you're kinda asking for it

Starting point is 01:11:23 if you're streaming funerals. Somebody's going to streak and do something funny. That's like the most disrespectful sh*t. Why are you streaming? Get the f*ck, get everyone away from there. Is everyone zooming into funerals now? Cause of COVID? Here's the, here's the, that'd be work,

Starting point is 01:11:37 that'd be horrible, right? Cause funerals you can just skip out on. It's like, I'm not taking two days off to go. What if someone forgets to close the laptop and leaves the stream running and it's just the f*cking- Shacking off. Oh if someone forgets to close the laptop and leaves the stream running and it's just the- Jacking off. Oh yeah, we're doing, we're not having a funeral service cause we know everybody can't fly in.

Starting point is 01:11:51 So here's the Zoom link. Beating it to the corpse. So I have to sit in a f*cking four hour Zoom link? Amazing. Low res audio and f*cking sh*tty. Where nobody respects anyone's time cause it's just a f*cking computer. Potato f*cking quality camera do

Starting point is 01:12:12 Her father Ben Affleck now married to Jennifer Lopez. He probably would have been better off if he didn't become famous, you know Ben Affleck I guess child Emmy is non-binary and Uses they them pronouns Okay, whatever. Yeah, cool. I mean, it's, it's your, it's the grandpa's fault, somehow. Lock him up. Well, in a way, it's like, if you're looking to get something off your chest, that's one way to get over the like, instead of dipping your toe in the pool, you're like, wow wow I'm gonna tell the whole internet that I'm a man right is that what they is that the way they went I don't know I'm oh yeah Finn

Starting point is 01:12:55 her new boy's name Finn hmm and then they she told him yeah hello my name is Finn Affleck he said now he, and then he got in his car after the funeral and dinged the door of the person next to him and did a seven point turn to get out of a parking spot that was the size of a football field. Got in his Buick Regal afterward and crushed his six pack of road sodas

Starting point is 01:13:20 and did donuts in the parking lot until the sun came up. Yeah, dope funeral, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wah. Crushing beer cans, throwing lot until the sun came up. Yeah! Dope funeral! Yeah! Waaah! Crushing beer cans, throwing them out the window, yeah. Hahaha! Classic, this is a classic male move. Just grandstanding on a funeral for attention.

Starting point is 01:13:37 Right? If I think of a guy, that's what I think. Oh yeah, did it... Oh, who did that? It was a man probably, right? Well, Ikevito did the same sh*t! Hahaha! Oh, did it? Oh, who did that? It was a man probably, right? f*ck, Vito did the same sh*t. Hahahaha! You know? I got no qualms with that. That's... Ontario has ordered to pay, has been ordered to pay for surgery of a resident who is seeking to have a vagin* constructed while leaving their penis intact.

Starting point is 01:14:03 Oh! constructed While leaving their penis intact Oh Wow, so they finally they finally figured out that cutting the penis off and Turning it into a vagin* is not working. So now they're just like well leave the penis on but go ahead and make me a vagin* I'm not gay. I'm not getting f*cked in my ass. I need a I need a straight hole Denying the procedure you see what I did You see what I f*cking told you, Dr. Phil? You see what I was warning you about? It just- God damn it!

Starting point is 01:14:33 It's even more- it's even more frustrating looking back. I was a child. I didn't know how right I was. Sometimes I think about that. Hey, Dr. Phil, I think- I think all this sh*t about like equality in women and stuff I think it's gonna ruin the world. I'm pretty sure I Thought I thought about it for a little bit I mean I see what's like I was just in school and schools f*cked yeah, and it's run. It's and it's women Basically controlling everything about your life all day, and it's the worst It's f*cking dumb and it just kind of. And it just kind of seems like,

Starting point is 01:15:06 it kind of seems like at any moment, maybe in 20 years or so, that's gonna be the entire world. And that's gonna be a f*cking disaster. Called that f*cking shot. Jesus Christ. What do you think about that? Oh, you idiot.

Starting point is 01:15:21 Look at me, I'm a big shot. I'm running the show. Okay. See, everyone's gotta take a page from Vito's dad and stress about how the $5 footlongs is gonna ruin the whole world. Yeah, another profit. That's exactly what f*cking happened, yeah. Sometimes you gotta listen to the guy who's like obsessing

Starting point is 01:15:38 about these f*cking $5 footlongs, man, these f*cking $5 footlongs, man. They're gonna ruin the world. I thought he had the key to the universe. Yeah, nobody listened. Cassandra at ConFlex. Jesus. Vita's dead.

Starting point is 01:15:50 Instead we got the super killer. Or didn't get the super killer. I told him on the show, man, you should be laughing. I saw him. Like, you should be putting out comics constantly. And he goes, I'm on track too. And I said, you haven't put out one book. I'm gonna come in for a biggest problem, too

Starting point is 01:16:05 Just to give him the same amount of sh*t to his f*cking whichever side of him is closest to me at the time He called it too early. I think Anytime you feel like hey fetus, so it's your plan. He's like well. I got a plan. No, but like what's your plan? Is it? Well, ah Wheels are a mushroom You know by low so high That's not how that works. Well, you know, by low, so high. That's not how that works.

Starting point is 01:16:27 I don't know why they have this picture of this lady's neck here. Oh, it doesn't like zoom. No, that's the whole, this is the pic they decided to put with this article, whatever. Denying the procedure would infringe on the person's charter protected right

Starting point is 01:16:44 to security of the person. Ontario court said unanimous decision by three, wow. Not even a close one was unanimous, yeah. They're like, all right, you're getting- You guys gotta pay for this vagin* I'm putting under my penis. You know what? We couldn't have said it better ourselves.

Starting point is 01:17:03 Obviously. We don't even have to confer. You're obviously right. Whatever. Honestly, I would be rather pay for this sh*t than where the money's going now, the military and stuff. Yeah, again, I'm... No. Not a big issue. Like this f*cking guy. Here's...

Starting point is 01:17:28 f*cking military guys, man. Just shut up and take... Just shut up and keep the money. Attorney General... Who's this guy the Attorney General of? Missouri. Missouri! Attorney General. General.

Starting point is 01:17:38 He says, this... Andrew Bailey. He says, this student loan lawsuit is personal for me. So everybody's trying to get their student loans Wiped out. Oh, yeah, so government cuts banks a big check and then everybody Everybody gets their debt wiped out their student loans wiped out. Yep, then go back to being unemployed The student loan lawsuit is personal for me. He says I paid for my education in blood sweat and tears. It's a good band.

Starting point is 01:18:13 In service to my nation. And so did many others. So in his mind, he paid for his, he didn't get his student loans forgiven. Yeah, why should you? Yeah, by, because he was in the army and that means he was actually working for it and not this picture he's posted it's just him smiling and riding around on a tank for fun with his pal. That doesn't look like blood sweat or tears in that picture does it? It looks like a fantasy camp. All

Starting point is 01:18:41 I know is sounds like you shouldn't have joined the military then sounds like you should have done the thing you're clearly jealous of, which was f*cking going to school. Do nothing. Yeah, do nothing. Now I support the student law and forgiveness if it's going to piss off military guys who are bigger welfare queens than anyone in the history of the world.

Starting point is 01:18:57 Wait a second. I thought I was supposed to f*cking get gold sandals to fly into heaven after I got out. Like, no, you get a non-working VA and a bunch of empty promises yeah when we give money to women and black people we don't have to also Build a bunch of tanks for them to play around in and give them a bunch of medallions for Paying for every we don't have to build them Billions of dollars in jets and sh*t this This is my medallion for, you know, I scoop the most sand.

Starting point is 01:19:27 Longest, this is my medallion for longest of not doing gay stuff in the military when we're bored. Maxed out at 10 seconds. Most cheeseburgers eaten. Like being in the military means like you get, all you do is like eat McDonald's and then go run all day. Yeah. It's just like... It's welfare that we have to buy you f*cking toys to pay for.

Starting point is 01:19:50 Yeah. Boomer to your sh*t. You go to Okinawa, you get drunk as f*ck every day, and then all you do is live off McDonald's, and you come back stateside and you're like, wow, I guess all I'm going to do is keep eating McDonald's f*cking all day every day because it's the only thing I'm accustomed to anymore. It's like, Jesus. It's a slap in the face, he says, to every working American to be left with the tab

Starting point is 01:20:10 for somebody else's Ivy League debt. You are not, that wasn't work. You weren't working. Eating f*cking McDonald's running laps like a f*cking asshole. What is the job that you, what was your, what's the ROI of the military exactly? What did you do? Yeah?

Starting point is 01:20:26 Wow, you know, I'm protecting it took this picture because that's how f*cking not threatening it was where I was doing Yeah, you know, we got a driver on a tank Sometimes look at me with my helmet off out of my tank. What an asshole Seriously, any anybody could anybody could have an opinion on student loan debt except for the military. Whatever. That's what it is. Whatever, man. f*ck it. Oh wow, there's too many men in Canada now. They flew in all these Indians, and now they got- they got 109 single men. They got 109 men for every 100 women.

Starting point is 01:21:08 Pfft. What do you think about that? Well- That's probably a mistake. Look man, there's a reason why America's hat gets to stay the f*ck up there. You guys deal with your own f*cking sh*t. Uh... How come nobody ever just like imported a bunch of like hot women?

Starting point is 01:21:27 Like we got an unlimited immigration, but only if you could fit through this. Import, that's a non-exportable good. Really? No countries looking to offload hot women? Just get rid of these guys. That's why when you see people selling vintage gear, they're like, this is a good, it's like, no, it sucked. That's why you gave, that's why you you see people selling vintage gear, they're like, this is a good, it's like no, it sucked. That's why you gave, that's why you're selling it. It's still for a high price, but it's not as good as what you could, it's not as good as the thing you held on to, motherf*cker.

Starting point is 01:21:52 Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what you're saying. In 1970, there were a hundred young men in Canada for every hundred young women. That seems like, that seems pretty good. Uh, in 2023, there are there are 109 young men in Canada for every 100 young, oh man, that's a big problem. That's a pretty big increase, yeah. Well, I hope they're not, I hope all the men they added

Starting point is 01:22:16 aren't sexually aggressive in any way. That would be a- Well, on Earth would make you think that. Yeah. That means that 9% of young men in Canada will be unable to find a mate, primarily due to immigration. Entirely due to immigration. What else could it be?

Starting point is 01:22:36 Hey, wait a second. There's too many people now here. We upset the balance. I wonder what it could have been. I wonder what it could have been. 20 to 24, Man, that sucks. Well, too bad if you're in Canada. Yeah, it chokes on you for being in Canada.

Starting point is 01:22:53 Oh, they changed latinx to latin? Did you know that? I didn't. Sounds like latrine. It does sound like latrine. I don't think that's going to work either. I don't think Mexicans want their Latino. You go scoop out that latrine, soldier.

Starting point is 01:23:07 Yeah. Okay. Let's do some comments. Robot engineer says, fat watch, wheelchairs, and strollers. Fat watch, today in fat news. What do you got here? God damn, that's such a good Little stinger. I have a guitar talk one now. Oh you do. Yeah, I'll wait. I'll wait for Sean. Yeah, you have to yeah This is a I'll do a gear talk, but John Sean's gonna be guitar Okay, I hate when people's what is he saying?

Starting point is 01:23:42 That wheelchairs are only for people who need them Without me my wheelchair is useless! Without my wheelchair! Okay, alright, a family guy joke? Come on. Fat woman saying that she doesn't like... Uh... I need this wheelchair or my knees will grind to dust. Okay, Ben S says apparently Maddox immediately forgot the story he told of his ex sending him pictures

Starting point is 01:24:08 of her losing weight like crazy before trying to dunk on Dick for saying she was fat. Oh yeah, but when he dated her, Maddox said in his video, his takedown of me and my relationship, I guess, I don't know. His takedown that he took down or? The takedown, yeah. The takedown that he took down or? The takedown, yeah. The takedown that he took down that you can only access at patreon.com slash The Dix Show. Oh, right, right. He said that his smoking gun that will undo my life

Starting point is 01:24:36 was that when he broke up with his girlfriend, I said that she was fat. Oh. I said f*ck her, she's fat anyway. Really got ya. Yeah. Oh dude. Yeah, right?

Starting point is 01:24:52 Man, he's, he got you so good dude. I'm gonna recover from that. When we leave this studio, the whole fabric of everything else will have unraveled because that is such a f*cking. Outlines of furniture and stuff. Yeah taken And he did he it's really bad. You got you, dude How are you ever going to recover from that? I don't know how will how will your fans perceive you?

Starting point is 01:25:15 You're right. Right, right, right. How will the fans perceive me? Oh, no telling someone that when they broke up with somebody like God she's fat anyway f*cker you You only and then I f*cked her telling someone that when they broke up with somebody like, oh, she's fat anyway, f*ck her. You, you only- And then I f*cked her. It's not like it's in your brand to call women fat. Like, oh, f*ck. Should I release an apology, do you think? Who should I apologize to?

Starting point is 01:25:39 Should I apologize for fans for believing in me? My integrity? I apologize that you guys called that shot early too and f*cking stuck with it. Yeah. I'm f*cking real. So the whole chapter was so weird. No thanks, man.

Starting point is 01:25:57 Listening to the bonus episode and y'all got to the texts, I was like, oh, here we go, Maddox. Oh, here we go, Maddox. Those texts are hot and it turns out they're by you Why is he so f*cking stupid? Oh, yeah He was showing some texts I sent Sweet. A girl. Yeah, I mean nobody likes nobody likes when that happens to them, but it does That's why you got to use signal

Starting point is 01:26:20 You gotta learn the hard way. But then I was thinking I I was thinking, or maybe she said, she's like, well the difference is his text were like, I'm gonna spread hips and I'd be horny not to pounce. It's like a 12 year old. And yours is like a man. Like AI is like, or like a Leisure Suit Larry prompt or something like that. Yeah. That's the difference that he doesn't get. It's not that texts were posted. It's that yours were so pathetic.

Starting point is 01:26:55 I'd be too, oh, I'd be too horny not to pounce. What's your favorite part of the woman? The boobies. Like what is, it's not the same. It's like, it's... Like that's funny. It's like the Blood Ninja chat hogs. I'm gonna f*ck the sh*t out of you.

Starting point is 01:27:11 Like, whoa, wow, he probably is. Bit embarrassing that it's out there, but woohoo, baby, oh mercy me, right? Right? There's a f*cking difference. When- I can't read anymore! I'll get a two turned on, ooh! Yeah. Versus, I'd be too horny not to pounce. He's got like a joy buzzer along with him too, and like a little flower in his shirt. I'm here for our sex, having!

Starting point is 01:27:36 Yeah, and then his like Groucho Marx glasses, like Jesus, yeah! What's your favorite part? Ooh! I'm a booey! Like his little horn, like nose honks. He's like, what, yeah, like... What's your favorite part? I'm moving. Like, there's a little whor* nose honk. She's like, what the f*ck is going on? Uh... With a woman you're not having sex with! There's a couple key differences

Starting point is 01:27:56 that makes one funny and one not funny! And then I... Okay. Now then... Here's my procedural chart for... And then I would Okay Here's my procedural chart for Get the f*ck out of here. Here's my flow chart is Did you have an org*sm? No like the wd-40 flow chart, but like we're like sh*tily photoshopped over MS painted over

Starting point is 01:28:28 What was what was one of Maddox's lines when Dr. Nurse asked him what his favorite position was? And he's like, oh, with her on top, but facing top-wise, if that makes any sense, he- On the port side in Stern and this- Ah, Stern side! Yeah, you got a winch! When a winch gets up against the port side and you knock the barnacles off. He's like, and then if you're looking at about 45 degrees. If that makes sense. And if it's...

Starting point is 01:28:51 No, it doesn't. Did you have to ask? And if the climate is all right. What's your favorite position? I'm going to grab you by the f*cking throat and I'm like, whoa, okay, cool. That's like cheese. The other one you want to keep reading. How ridiculous does this get? Whoa, okay cool That's like cheese. Oh Whoo, the other one you want to keep reading and take a shower. This is this get yeah

Starting point is 01:29:15 Like if that makes any sense, please say no, please say if that make yeah if that makes any sense Nothing hotter. What are you but asking for a clarification? You know, you need a lot of clarification in your sexting then you're f*cking up. Like really just like picture this so like... So I'll picture it in an isometric setup There's not enough isometry that you see isometry That's a good one. First you would be lying hip-wise downward portside. Yeah in which with the leg spread upon which too many words get the f*ck it's a point man something about brevity being the soul of wit levity

Starting point is 01:29:54 that was Maddox's best line brevity is the soul of if Shakespeare rhymed it would be brevity is the soul of levity which isn't which f*cking see how dumb that sounds like it sounds amazing if I wish Shakespeare had said brevity's if Breastfeeding was the soul of levity and so the brevity in which the levity at which you know you know I went to this prom I went to a prom last night oh yeah I mean talk about that what the f*ck was that all about? It was horrible. What?

Starting point is 01:30:26 I mean, it sounds horrible. Some people know how to throw a party. Some people don't. You know? You can always tell. A prom king party, you know that's going to be. It was a good idea, but you just botched it, man. It's only a good idea if you have a friend who's

Starting point is 01:30:37 in like a wheelchair so like you know who the prom king or queen is going to be. Because then you can be like, well, things are supposed to be. Yeah, they give the first 20 people prom queen crowns. Like, eh, that's that's not that's now you got to have a whole fake thing here, man It's easy gotta get easy to do that's why high schools do it is because it's f*cking easy Yeah, and you got to do you can't it's stupid the way you did was you messed up? But I bought this goofy this goofy tuxedo jacket amazing to wear and then I was like I don't know,

Starting point is 01:31:05 should I get this one or like a velvet one? You didn't get the velvet one? I didn't get the velvet one. That's too much attention seeking for me. Oh, too much? Too much for me. Cause I'm also old, so I can't be pulling that much attention to me.

Starting point is 01:31:20 I gotta slide in. But pull a hamstring in the process. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to upset these kids. It wasn't a real problem, by the way. Give them a taste. Give them a taste. I'm still cool.

Starting point is 01:31:32 I'm still laughing at myself. So I bought the, I put it in the cart. I'm like, I don't know, is this the right one? And I scrolled down where it's like customers, they post their reviews and stuff. And it was just all black guys wearing the thing, the jacket. I was like, yep, that's the right one. That's amazing.

Starting point is 01:31:49 Got it. That's so f*cking good. Post after post. I'm like, did they? What's going on here? How did this happen? That's f*cking awesome. Was it a good jacket?

Starting point is 01:31:59 Yeah. This is great. There you go. Great fit. Koof Andy, man. Koof Andy is the, that's my go-to now. Amazing. Great workout tank tops.

Starting point is 01:32:08 Cool. And suit jackets. All right. Once you got the tank, once you got the muscle tank top down, you can make anything. Shout out Coof Andy. Coof Andy.

Starting point is 01:32:17 I'm a Coof Andy man. Okay, what were we talking about? Oh, these texts are hot. It turns out they're by you. Why is he so f*cking stupid? I should get a bunch of women, like college girls, and put the sex side by side,

Starting point is 01:32:34 and say which one do you think describes the person which described the person that wrote each of these. Which one of these has a slime bed? Or a f*cking slime sheet. Which one of these has a slime bed? Or a f*cking slime sheet. Which one of these actually f*cked this person. Blart Simpson says,

Starting point is 01:32:50 Yeah, dick, squatters are great, until your junkie neighbor accidentally kills himself running a generator in his garage to power his lights. Then his junkie friends move in and turn the place into a trap house and break into my truck and steal my stereo while leaving behind an unsheathed hypodermic needle that I stick myself with a couple weeks later while reaching in for some oil behind my seat. Oh wow, you got to hiv, man. Jesus.

Starting point is 01:33:15 Hoo wee, they're leaving needles around? What the? Imagine doing so many drugs, you're just leaving needles around. f*ck, man. Yeah, I don't like squatters. I mean, I, you know, me, kill all bums. That's my, never been shy about. Have you seen that bums and drones account on Instagram? No, what is that? This guy's flying a drone around and just like harassing, but he just flies over him. And then he'll like get low enough to where they can

Starting point is 01:33:42 like make an iconic and then he'll just fly above and then you watch Them try and throw things at the drone and usually they'll like f*ck themselves up Yeah, yeah, yeah Or they'll like they'll f*ck up Yes, oh god damn it's so funny That's great that's one last like the glimmer of hope for the internet I'm like ooh bums and drones Yeah, you watch people hit themselves expensive too, so they're already angry yeah A glimmer of hope for the internet. I'm like, ooh, bums and drones. Motherf*cking drones! Wow, yeah. You watch people hit themselves in the face.

Starting point is 01:34:06 And they're so expensive too, so they're already angry seeing it. Yeah. Grrr! Well, and then a lot of people are f*cking tweaked out and paranoid. So then when there's a f*cking government looking drone in your face, people are like,

Starting point is 01:34:17 oh, you see people start tweaking the f*ck. Like, it's f*cking, like, it's confirming all their paranoia. Right. And it's just like, who would've known drones could be so, I hated them until I saw this account. And I was like, well, maybe there's something to drones. Yeah, there's something to drones.

Starting point is 01:34:34 Yeah. That's pretty f*cking funny. Watch that account all goddamn day. Yeah, I don't like squatters. But I think it's, uh, once the government says that they're going to take something seriously, it's not for, it's not, it's not because it affects us. It's a problem for them.

Starting point is 01:34:53 We got to really crack down on this, uh, people squatting in our multiple homes thing. Someone's squatting in your f*cking house. Yeah. Hmm. How about daylight savings? Can you guys crack down on that? No, I can't. That's, that's been, you know, ever since the dawn of time about a hundred years ago, you know. You can't fly too close to the Sun.

Starting point is 01:35:12 Yeah, it's almost impossible. You might be able to at some point. I misspoke. I'm not. The whole speech was a misspoke. You idiot. All these Republicans are trying to call me. It's gotta call me stupid Instead of focusing on the real issues right? Oh What none of which are caused by total? One technical part never mind the fact that the moon is a bunch of gases You've heard I don't know what her point was well you've heard the word full moon before that's when the moon is round That's when the moon is round. That's when the moon is round.

Starting point is 01:35:48 Cause of all the gases. You know, you can almost, it's almost impossible to get to the sun. Yeah. And then, NASA's going to the moon. Well, there's a unique moon energy, moon or light,

Starting point is 01:35:59 moonlight. A unique light from the moon. Yeah, it's called. Yeah, it's called from the sun. Imagine just having no ability to determine whether or not something is bullsh*t or not. Somebody says, moon light's called. You're like, no, it's not.

Starting point is 01:36:12 And not having that ability, like, oh, I don't know, maybe it is. Yeah, I'm trying to think of when I learned about the planets, and it's just something that I'm like, wow, even as a kid, I understood. Yeah, you just kind of like a real basic, like oh okay. Sun goes down then the moon comes out,

Starting point is 01:36:28 must be different things. That's not how women think. They think sun goes away then the moon comes out, must be the same thing. Moon, now you say moon, hmm. Not quite sure moon. Sun, no problem. Is it an anti-sun?

Starting point is 01:36:42 No. The moon. Well I don't know. Evil. Can you put it in terms of the sun? Opposite sun. Very bad. Phil Goodman says, Orthodox Jews, the funniest thing about Orthodox Jews is that they're only, they're the only reason Israel is the only first world country with population growth

Starting point is 01:36:59 above replacement levels. Oh, it's like if Pennsylvania were kept afloat with Amish and Mennonite people leaving their communities and entering the rest of society. I guess they really don't like their Orthodox Jews over there in Israel. Based on that guy's call, I guess not. And then I saw those drones from Iran coming in. Which, again, disappointed that was of some big formation with something funny. That should have been cool. That should've been. But you know, what I've learned is

Starting point is 01:37:27 that these jihadists really have no sense of humor. We gotta teach them. Yeah. That's really part of their problem, I think. Just give them the internet for like a couple months. Like you guys don't, you're really crap bad at marketing. Learn how to sh*tpost. You're wasting it. Just get really good at that and then.

Starting point is 01:37:43 The whole world's paying attention. Yeah. You can say whatever you want and you just send a blob of drones in yeah, that's like That should have been like a five years old. We're still trying to figure drone like, you know, yeah sh*t out But now there's all these advanced like you could have a whole array of them. Yeah, what is this? 2015 what am I watching here? Oh, this is happening now? Ugh, who's doing... What kind of incompetence are doing this?

Starting point is 01:38:09 See, that's too many words. Next, like... Give me a big middle finger flying, like, oh sh*t, like these guys f*cking mean business. Also the big Kanye flying in, you know? So then that's when you're like, oh sh*t, we're, yeah. These guys are f*cked. These guys are on Kanye's side?

Starting point is 01:38:25 Oh no. That would be the equivalent probably to seeing fireworks for the first time and just being like, what the f*ck is that? Yeah. You're being scared sh*tless. And then I saw all these people like diving for cover. Like that guy was saying they have to do

Starting point is 01:38:40 when there's rocket attacks. All right. With shrapnel. Oh, hey. He shrapnel. Oh, hey. He wasn't lying about that. You're like, that's a first. Casey says, Crowder voicemail. Hey, Dick, I left the voicemail

Starting point is 01:38:57 about your Steven Crowder divorce comments. I didn't make my point well, so I want to try again. So he's going to write an email in? Mm-hmm. Oh Jesus f*cking. I believe the laws surrounding marriages, divorces are detrimental to men. Oh you think? Oh you think? Oh you believe that?

Starting point is 01:39:14 Oh you- do you believe that? Oh see I- Really? I read about it. Ah! Really? I understood how it worked a little bit. But I always hear guys who are divorced saying that it's so great. I never really believed in it. Ah, really? And I understood how it worked a little bit. But I always hear guys who are divorced

Starting point is 01:39:25 saying that it's so great. I never really believed in it. That's why I was missing. Young men are brainwashed into thinking marriage is a necessity. Yeah, not realizing it is a tool used by women to take wealth from men. You know, they just love it too. I don't know why guys just are tripping over themselves. I bet that guy doesn't even have anything

Starting point is 01:39:52 worth taking either. Married men either need to tolerate their wife no matter how miserable things get or go through a costly divorce which will inevitably favor the woman When I see a bad system, I prefer to denounce that system What I don't like to do is celebrate a bad system even though it is hurting someone that might deserve it Well, that's where you and I differ sir. I like when people that I don't like are hurt Whatever the reason it's called being honest. Yes. Because when people go, well, you know, it's like... When I'm getting loaded into the concentration camp

Starting point is 01:40:30 by Kamala Harris, I'm going to see somebody I don't like getting shot in the back of the head and I'll think, ha ha, f*ck you, before I get shot in the back of the head. That is literally... That's what's happening here. That is exactly what's happening because...

Starting point is 01:40:43 While the Department of Homeland Security... When the Department of Homeland Security when the Department of Homeland Security finally Militarizes and abducts in the middle of the night all the people they've been keeping tabs on For ten years and I'm in the truck. I'm gonna hope that somebody I don't like is in the truck People that I like Haha, you have around everyone. I hate like man Like you. Haha, f*ck you. Yeah, I have one around everyone I hate. Like, man. Like, you guys must have hated me that bad too. f*ck. Hahaha. You deserve it. I'm a friend of a line for you, asshole.

Starting point is 01:41:14 Um, that feels, that feels hypocritical. Um, you must be, you can, it's, this is gonna be amazing. This shocks conservatives, what I'm about to say. But it's just amazing to be hypocritical. You can just You can just let go and let yourself dissolve into yeah, it's it's honestly it's heaven Well that that uh, you're being a hypocrite because yes, I am. It's amazing Because because people just use that sh*t again, That's brainwashing. Well in a way people use that sh*t against you That's why it exists. Hey, you're not consistent with what you said yesterday. I don't care

Starting point is 01:41:51 Well, so the alternate I can't manipulate you is you can always just be like, oh, it's cuz I learned a little more I'm not hypocritical. I just learned a little more a little more now that I'm wiser I have exactly see see? Yeah. Just turn it back on them every time. They're obsessed with that. They're obsessed with always having been, I guess that's why they love God so much. It's like this, a lot of conservatives just wanna exist

Starting point is 01:42:15 on this continuum of always having been right and yet still becoming more right every day. Like they simultaneously worship the idea that they have never been wrong and that they're always learning more and more. Yeah. And their opinions are evolving to get even more correct. You're going to be so f*cking right. I didn't even know how right I was. You thought you were right. Oh, buddy. I got something f*cking for you. When you get to be my age, you're going to be even more right, more significantly right. You're going to

Starting point is 01:42:42 be calling me Mr. Right by the time we're done with this f*cking conversation. Jesus. What I think we should be saying is that what is happening to Crowder is bad. And that Crowder is also bad. It's hard for me to say what's happening to him is bad when he entered into it willingly and was bragging about it like a co*cksucker.

Starting point is 01:43:03 He's part of the brainwashing society. Yeah. Cause guys just gotta look at this. I did all the things right and I found the right woman and I didn't have, there's a reason why I didn't have all the sex I could have had. It's because I am right. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:43:17 And that's why my relationship is so successful. He's the one doing the brainwashing. He is. It's great when bad things happen to him. And also, f*ck you guys, just stop getting married! It's actually really f*cking easy! Just say no! These guys, all these guys, oh we got a,

Starting point is 01:43:34 the institution of marriage is all f*cked up and it's bad for men. Then stop getting married, asshole! You know, it's uh- Just put your foot down! For once! You know what would life be if people didn't get to step on the rakes that they put in front of themselves? These god damn beers keep making me hungover! Yeah, what the f*ck? We gotta do something about these beers!

Starting point is 01:43:56 Every time I drink these beers I end up f*cking... I end up? Sucking a guy's co*ck! We gotta do something about this! Every time I drink too many beers I gotta cancel my screen. Cough we got to do something about this Tom I drink too many beers. I got to cancel my agree with the MRA guys, but it's like well Yeah, but you idiots all you idiots all f*cking got married the solution isn't Well, we got to do something about these laws the laws aren't changing see and just women vote for me It's hard to trust someone who's been through like five marriages and they're like I'm a men's rhyme

Starting point is 01:44:22 You know doing my own thing or you know, whatever all men's, I'm doing my own thing or whatever, all that sh*t is. I'm going my own way. And it's just like, well, cause you've exhausted all your other options. You f*cked up so hard, you left yourself in this shambolic state where now you're trying to use any sort of mental gymnastics to be like,

Starting point is 01:44:41 I'm not wrong, like everyone else is f*cking. And Carter seems like a gay, first of all, he's I do I definitely think he's gay Or at least like not into not he's he's too gay to be married Well, he's too gay to marry a woman I don't know. I'm not saying he's like a hundred percent gay, but he's definitely wants to f*ck guys It's interesting. The one car thing is it seals the deal. More he wants to f*ck guys and make out with guys more than he More than you're able to be a like traditional marriage

Starting point is 01:45:10 He could get married but not to a woman like that who's like I'm straight up What's traditional not having sex before marriage notes and he acts like a f*cking co*cksucker all the time. I'm surprised but No, it also is bad. If you're gonna get married do not behave in this way Well, that's the point of getting married then he hates women so much because he's so gay So he's like I'm just gonna abuse this bitch. Yeah, right exactly f*ck her whole sh*t up And it's like dude you could have avoided all of this if you just went and it's easy to know this because so many people

Starting point is 01:45:43 Do it. Yeah. Oh, he was an asshole Wow, that's crazy because he seems like such an asshole. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's funny. That guy was an asshole Oh, man, that's wild cuz he seems like every time I see him. I think what an asshole. Hmm. That's crazy Mission workouts and yet he's telling millions of people that they got to get that they got it First of all that they got to not have sex before marriage, that's f*cked. That's completely f*cked. That's f*cked. Um, yeah, the system is, and just to finish the point, the system is never changing. There is never, there's never going to be a, a moment. That's why it is a system. It's like that's the, like, a system is in place. It doesn't get fixed. There will never be a president on television going,

Starting point is 01:46:28 Hey everyone, I come to you on this proud day that we have totally f*cked women over with marriage. We totally changed- we changed all the laws. We fixed it. They can't take your- we did it guys. Hey men, hey men that- all the laws, they can't take your, we did it guys. Hey men, hey middle class men that work and stuff, and we finally, finally won. Finally f*cking did it. Finally got it.

Starting point is 01:46:53 After we told Israel to f*ck off, and you know, after we changed it so you could have a pipe in your house for your shower that's big, so you can rinse your body off, we went ahead and did away with that too. We just then made a quantum leap. High flow toilets back in style. High flow toilets are back.

Starting point is 01:47:11 Women could take their tops off. You could get a hand job for $20. Drinking and driving is back on the table. Drinking and driving is back on the menu. We finally, do you realize how many things will have to be unf*cked? Smoking on airplanes? We're all smoking two cigarettes and we're smoking cigars

Starting point is 01:47:26 You know how much on airplanes lie if I could smoke cigarettes on airplanes I would go flying just to smoke cigarettes on airplanes. Are you f*cking with the wings? We put the pins back in the wings We got rid of the sticky tape thing that they changed it to in the 90s Cuz the kids were getting too many wings and we wanted to cut costs down We put the pin little up L pin back on the wings it's made out of metal again plastic and then and then and only then after all this sh*t is done we fired we took every college professor and we burned them yeah we burned them alive yeah in a

Starting point is 01:47:57 giant pit we dug a giant pit in the middle of the country and bulldozed and college professors and women's studies. We publicly televised it. You have to discourage wanting to become a college professor. You could pay with whatever currency because we got rid of all the currency. After that, we fixed marriage so that it doesn't favor women anymore.

Starting point is 01:48:18 You're welcome. And we did it in one week. We did all of that sh*t in one week. Pizza Hut buffets are back. Leaving the toilet seat up is in f*cking full effect now. The toilet seat has a spring in it now! You have to put weight on it to keep it down. It doesn't even come with a top on it anymore.

Starting point is 01:48:33 You have to sh*t on the f*cking porcelain f*cking rim like a complete f*cking savage. Prostitution will be legal before they fix marriage. That's how insane it is. Well, they could always cap alimony. That's how insane it is. Well, they could always cap alimony. That's not happening. Who the f*ck think that's a f*cking bible? The women who are getting divorced, the average divorce age is like 45.

Starting point is 01:48:56 The women that are in that situation getting divorced have no f*cking chance of living at all. They can't do jack sh*t. Go, young guys don't understand this, but when you get older, your buddies start getting divorced, look at their wives, you go, oh wow, you have to fend for yourself? That's no chance in hell.

Starting point is 01:49:17 But you couldn't f*cking make just a ham sandwich to save your life, and now you have to do it. You don't even know how to work. Yeah, I'm always impressed by seeing like, seeing people out in the world. I'm like, how the f*ck do you, like, live? How do you exist? How do you go, like, you're on the road before you get, like, what the fu- There's so many things that just shock me about the average person

Starting point is 01:49:36 and I'm like, oh man, these people have to f*cking think or at least fend for themselves? They won't think for themselves, but like, f*ck, man. We gotta fix marriage. That's not happening. No, man. Why do you think that would... Guys wanted this! They love it! They love... For some reason, they love it. You just gotta f*cking get rid of everything. Like, that's it. If you want entertainment, you go f*cking start up a bonfire,

Starting point is 01:50:00 throw rocks, and hit each other with sticks like the f*cking middle of the day. None of this. You had no idea what was happening in the rest of the world and you didn't give a f*ck and so you're just like, oh, okay, cool. All I can conceptualize is what's in front of me. It's a game. It's a f*cking game. It's all a game and we all know the rules going into it so when you lose at the game,

Starting point is 01:50:21 you laugh at them. Right. Crowder knew all the rules and he chose to be a f*cking asshole. He was the one promising Pogs to people and now he's bound by those same Pogs. We gotta supply the Pogs. Let's go man, you're talking a big game about them Pogs, fork them over. That better be the best f*cking lunchbox I've ever seen in my goddamn life or I'm gonna f*cking stick my f*cking heel through it. If Vito's lunchboxes look like it's a sticker just put on, I'm gonna lose it. I'm gonna go on my f*cking heel if it if Vito's lunchboxes look like it's a sticker just put on I'm gonna

Starting point is 01:50:46 It's just I'm gonna lose it. Well, I'm gonna go on a mass shooting spree We'll have to find a big enough piano wire to wrap around his neck We gotta get a concert grand the bottom a foot of a style of an s3 Yamaha s3 now I'm gonna get into piano talk. Yeah, welcome to Mr. Jones' piano talk. Not the C series, the S, the big, the CS, the concert select series, Yamaha. Now the concert select is good, but someone argue that... I think Bekenstein makes a 14-foot piano.

Starting point is 01:51:20 We gotta get one of them. We have to run around him like we're trying to take down one of those f*cking Star Wars Walker thing. Let's see back in I gotta find that video clip of you playing the piano at the studio. That was great. I might have it I think you do. I think I saved it. That's such a great clip. Hornsby's piano. Where's that piano now? Just sitting in the studio. No that was um No, that wasn't Hornsby's that. That was the seven foot Steinway. Or no, that was the Yamaha. That was like yours upstairs.

Starting point is 01:51:52 It was the C3 I think. Yeah. f*cking one of those. Cute. Little bright. Or piano tuner kind of like, ah ha ha. Yamaha's are a little bright. He's like, this thing's so f*cking bright.

Starting point is 01:52:03 Anyway. Yeah, the action's good f*cking bright. Anyway. Yeah. The action's good, though. Great action. Steinway's are hit and miss on that. I don't know. I have a heavy hand, though. When you have a f*cking bad Steinway, that is like...

Starting point is 01:52:13 It's rough. It's like a boomer telling you about how great his f*cking Corvette C3 is. It's like, nah, it's a rally piece of sh*t. And Vito had the best problem ever that brought in. Boomers talking about how money isn't everything. And then he went ahead and did abortion after that. And then, boy...

Starting point is 01:52:35 Money isn't everything. Also, I value pigs and people about the same. What's your point system on this? This is the kind of guy who would skip halfway through the stepbrothers movie to get to the good part. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah kind of individual What I think we should be saying is that what is happening to Crowder is bad and that Crowder is also bad Yeah, but that's how you lose if you support your enemies like you support yourself You lose because your enemies are only supporting themselves.

Starting point is 01:53:06 Right. And they're hurting you. They will never support you in the same way you support them, which is why you're f*cking enemies. Again, is the reason why the word enemies exists, because that's what it f*cking denotes, is you're not wishing them well. You're saying, f*ck those people. And this is my big problem with Christians,

Starting point is 01:53:22 is that they do this, and it f*cks everyone over because I agree with them on Everything else and it's like yeah, then we're gonna we're gonna kill those guys, right? I'm like no Yeah Cuz of heaven like well, I don't I'm not going to heaven. So like we're almost there. We were almost there guys there. Yeah almost on board f*cked it and Crowder is a bad guy. You can't guy. You can't tell guys not to have sex before marriage and do all this gay sh*t. Literally, literally, I'm figuring, yeah.

Starting point is 01:53:50 Because you just don't know when the same system will come after somebody you actually care about. Yeah, you do, because they're getting married. And you can say, hey dummy, don't do that. Again, it's not like, and it's not like some oh sh*t We were drunk at lunch one day, and we just signed the papers and all here. We are it's like It's a f*cking plan Bro you you have to know going into it all of these other f*cking like there's a lot of nuances to a lot of sh*t

Starting point is 01:54:21 Okay, you get f*cked as they're like that's just know that bitch. Let me tell you. You don't, you never know completely what's in her head. Just never. And they have a tendency to snap over a long period of neglect. Especially if you only have one car and act like a f*cking maniac. You don't know. You never know. You change, they change. There's no predicting it. So, cover your ass. But again, in knowing that you never know, cover your ass and knowing,

Starting point is 01:54:47 okay, if I'm entering in this variable with all of these f*cking, here's all these rules that are stacked against me that are just waiting to f*cking, like playing with the bear trap and then like, oh my God, my arm got bit off. Like, we gotta change, we gotta do something about these traps.

Starting point is 01:55:03 We gotta shut up about these traps. And even me saying it now, me hearing myself say it out loud sounds totally insane. Yeah, I'm sitting here like- Nobody's going like, oh yeah, he's right, I'm not gonna get married, but it will come for you. I think it's a small, it's like the same people are getting divorced and married over and over. It's like a-

Starting point is 01:55:22 And it works out for mostly everybody. It's how the armchair people, they're like, oh yeah, you just need to get married and do all this. It's like, no, you don't. Like you don't have any basis of any of that. Like you're on YouTube. Okay, I'm married. No, you gotta go do it with the government.

Starting point is 01:55:37 No, I don't. Yeah. Pretty sure. Well, we're like- I don't wanna do anything ever with the government. It's like a common law marriage, cause you're just like- Okay, well. You know what? I hope your VW bus rolls off of whatever, cause you're just like... Okay, well... You know what?

Starting point is 01:55:45 I hope your VW bus rolls off of whatever f*cking cliff you're glamping on, you f*cking morons. I hope your neo-vagin* under your penis... Never heals. Yeah, it f*cks up. Imagine that, right? You got a whatever... Or worse, what if because it's government subsidized, they cheap out, right? And so you wake up with just curtains on your asshole and now f*cking... That's not at all what you were asking for, but too late.

Starting point is 01:56:11 You went ahead and sewed your asshole shut. You weren't supposed to sew my asshole shut! You're supposed to give me a puss*! They're like, what the f*ck? Mouth also, and she goes... Well... sh*t, really? Yeah, get the asshole open! Well, you checked the wrong box on the government form, and so, you know, we just kinda took it up a bit.

Starting point is 01:56:30 How am I supposed to sh*t? Oh, we don't know. Oh, great. Throw it up. How am I supposed to be a woman if I can't sh*t? Every woman sh*ts! Yeah, don't shoot, no, every woman is out there sh*tting. What the f*ck, bro?

Starting point is 01:56:41 Exclusively. Well, we can't... Only sh*tting. We could move your asshole. Yeah. to where we were gonna put your puss*. Oh, great! Now I look like an idiot! It ends up with your asshole coming right underneath your ball sack. You're just sh*tting on your balls every single day of your life.

Starting point is 01:56:59 Imagine having to put it in the- Imagine having to thread that needle, right? You got a wainer and it balls and then an asshole and then a vagin* in the middle, like Star Wars. Oh, and now you have all your coworkers in the operating room with you too. You gotta f*ck that, right? Before your blue chew wears off. Oh sh*t, man, I gotta, uh-oh, uh-oh, missed it, uh-oh.

Starting point is 01:57:19 That's the balls, uh-oh. That's the asshole, uh-oh. You end up grabbing two extra blue shoes to compensate and then you end up with a heart attack in that same hospital and now your asshole gets moved because you filled out the wrong f*cking forum information too. No hard feelings if you disagree. I still love the show.

Starting point is 01:57:37 Well, thanks. I like that that guy's whole opinion of your show was based on whether or not he could get a very obvious breakdown of how marriage works and how Crowder is also Bad like thanks for pointing out about like I appreciate your Optimism I'm not trying to I like that He wrote an email to try and correct himself so he could go back and like make sure all the words are in the right Order and stuff. That's important. It is important only our senators would do that. Well see and that's why you know

Starting point is 01:58:03 I kind of respect for this guy. I like it I most of you will most of you will get married and do just fine But some of you will do it and you'll be completely f*cking destroyed You will be the it'll be like bill from f*cking King of the Hill afterward just the complete f*cking waste Shell of a human being and a pathetic puss* for eternity. All I'm saying is just say no. Just say no. Say no to women. Or just f*cking like...

Starting point is 01:58:32 That's my... whenever she starts talking I say no. What were you saying? Well see that's good. Let's start, let's anchor the discussion with no. Now what were you saying? I want to know if you wanted something for lunch. Yes. I change it to yes. See? Thought hypocritical.

Starting point is 01:58:48 You were changing your answer based on the new information. I wanted to get a new vacuum. I remain with no. I remain with no. New vacuum. Sounds like money. Nope. No, I know. Okay. Spider says woman cop said it again. Woman alert.

Starting point is 01:59:04 Woman cop alert. Woman alert. All right. Two women cops, he says. He's lucky to be alive. Wow, skateboarder is arrested by two cops. They should put woman in the headline, two women cops. After jaywalking and thrown in jail for 24 hours,

Starting point is 01:59:24 this is family hit out at police for signaling him out. The footage shows a man who's called Bjorn skating along a pavement. He's stopped by police who accused him of jaywalking. The man who was called Bjorn? With some f*cking like formal... Yeah. Well that's what we call him. That's not his real name. That was called Bjorn. Well that's, you know, that's what we call him. That's not his real name. Oh man, that was called Bjorn. But that's, you know, that's just what we call him.

Starting point is 01:59:46 The offense is committed by not crossing a street. Really the women cops are arresting guys for jaywalking in the UK? Okay. Well they got all them rapes going around. His sister Erica set up a GoFundMe page to get him a lawyer. She said that he didn't hear the police shout at him or realize he did anything wrong. I mean, that's honestly, if I hear a, it's difficult for me to hear women. Cause I have, at this age, I have tuned them out, like tune that frequency out.

Starting point is 02:00:14 Um, so it just sounds like, you know, if a woman cop was shouting at me, I might not know. It's like when you're watching an old TV and you hear the electrical disturbance. Yeah. Like I hear that really high f*cking frequency. I hear something. I know if I turn this TV off, it'll stop. And then you're getting tackled. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:00:31 Let's see here. This is the two women. Uh. These two women on a bike or, what do they do with their bikes after they arrest them? They walk them? They're like, that's it. That's it.

Starting point is 02:00:45 That's it, buddy. You're going to jail. Okay, it's two women cops, Redmond police. Onlookers stunned. This footage shows the man called Bjorn skating along a pavement before being stopped by two female cops on bicycles. There you go. Look at how angry this one is. I'm on my period. She's like that's it I need to prove my worth to the department by arresting somebody. I got you you f*cking skateboarding punk. f*cking

Starting point is 02:01:21 Chay Walker. You're the scourge that's wrong with society. Yeah. When they caught up to the male, he continued to be uncooperative, and he was arrested for obstructing a law enforcement officer. The 20-year-old male was found to be in possession of marijuana, psilocybin mushrooms, which have psychedelic compounds, a ledger and more than 500 bucks. So he had a Bitcoin ledger and 500 bucks. The drugs, money, and ledger were booked into evidence. Yeah, you booked his ledger and more than 500 bucks So he had a Bitcoin ledger and 500 bucks the drugs money and ledger were booked into evidence

Starting point is 02:01:47 Yeah, you booked his ledger in oh, okay Cool, huh? That doesn't it doesn't really work that way you stupid bitches Jesus the drug offenses are being investigated in this suspect in this suspected drugs were submitted to the lab for testing There's you know they're like well which have psychedelic Combounds in the same article. Well, we just got to test them for me to make sure test them I don't know make sure make sure we run a test on these. Yeah, we're gonna show me found on this 20 year old Kid yeah, we're gonna call it this first

Starting point is 02:02:18 Yeah, but well, you know if these mushrooms come back with with nothing we're not gonna correct the article But if they come back with something you're going to jail. Yeah, how do you like? I bet your mushrooms aren't so wacky now. Yeah, are they? Can you like what's wrong with these people? How do they not how do they wake up every day not just shoot themselves in the head today, honey? I ruined a 20 year old guy's life cuz he had magic mushrooms. That's why I can't stand parking enforcement I'm like your only job is to be a f*cking co*cksucker and they take so much pride in it And for the one parking ticket I've ever gotten I'm like, you know what?

Starting point is 02:02:53 I will never let this happen again. And if I ever see another f*cking Parking enforcement f*cking motherf*ck. I'm gonna f*cking berate them until they move their stupid f*cking car like get the f*ck I turn into Sean on a bad day when I see parking for them. I'm like, oh, you just, you know. Nothing else really gets my goat like that, man. They gotta send these women to New York. I know how to deal with these types of women.

Starting point is 02:03:17 Ill says an unhinged boomer rant. Hey, Dick, here's a video from online guru, Dave Ramsey, that he put out recently. Ranting on the current housing market and the attitude young people have he generally gives good advice Such as staying away from credit cards and unnecessary purchases, but I think his boomer brain took over when he made this clip Thanks for watching. Okay, let's see Is it about spending too much money on the Frappuccinos or something.

Starting point is 02:03:45 Brought to you by the end of the day would be what, 400k right? And they don't live in that house anymore. But I mean that house today, that's what it would sell for. I know right where it is. No this is too long buddy. Yeah what the f*ck. And the cotton candy is. There's not a fair, okay?

Starting point is 02:04:00 It's a math thing. Alright alright. This guy's talking about cotton candy. I have f*cking no idea what the f*ck is going on right now. They have no concept of how much things cost. And how hard it is to save any money at all. Right, yeah. Ah... Um...

Starting point is 02:04:18 Canada's f*cked. Uh, we all kind of are, but they have a heavily censored police study saying civil unrest is likely. What does that mean? A lot of apologies are going to be happening up there. Secret RCMP report warns Canadians may revolt once they realize how broke they are. Oh. Okay. A secret RCMP report.

Starting point is 02:04:44 They keep saying secret like it's f*cking not on one of the most f*cking watered down news, like the most runoff f*cking news source ever, like Jesus. Warning that Canadians may descend into civil unrest once citizens realize the hopelessness of their economic situation. No, that's never gonna happen. People are too fat. Too fat and young people can't drink. They're too busy working on magazines, man. The coming period of recession will accelerate the decline in living standards that the younger

Starting point is 02:05:17 generation have already witnessed coming. Yeah, I think it'll everyone will just live in their car. They're not gonna be we're they gonna riot against What carnita carnita? Yeah, who are you gonna? Sleep what's civil? What do you mean? What civil unrest? They're gonna go smash up at empty stores It's just gonna no one will be polite that week. Yeah, I'm gonna get the cold shoulder Chris primer says whoring for Jesus a complex wh for Jesus, a complex society needs religion. Of some kind. Okay. How complex?

Starting point is 02:05:56 Yeah, of what kind? What is complex? What is this? Just say words. Yeah, I'm sure animals have religion too since we're all... They probably do. I bet. And marriage is a good way to domesticate the male population.

Starting point is 02:06:13 I mean, but guys like it. It looks like Alex Stein might have done a video on the same... Oh, he's talking about that OnlyFans girl. Mm-hmm. At least on his channel, nobody in the comments section was taking her seriously. I don't know why though. I'm like... It annoys me that there's a...

Starting point is 02:06:30 First of all, it annoys me that religious people have like... have a difference between this whor* and a reformed whor*. Like why are they different? Why do you consider them differently at all? Well, the word reformed is in French. So that's like... that's a separate title

Starting point is 02:06:48 What if she's just reformed? What if she's not actively whoring? Is that better? There's a big contention of Religious people online that they need you to be cheering for the team like they they have this externally facing Gotta be a team guy. You gotta be a team guy? You gotta be a team guy. Are you on Team Christ or what? I'm on Team Christ. I don't know, what can I... Team Christ really wants your whoring. We've seen you do a lot of whoring, and you'd be a good soul for us to have.

Starting point is 02:07:15 You gotta preach to these streets. Yeah, we'd really want to sign you. We'd like to sign you to God Records. It is like that though, and then they've trot her out like, look guys, we got this amazing whor*. New prophet, yeah, prophet whor*. Guys, a big win for us, a big win for us. They're not gonna be making fun of us.

Starting point is 02:07:33 God said f*cking whor*s are cool now, so f*cking play ball. It's like, what does it matter if she's a whor* or not? Why do you, aren't you supposed to not be judging anybody? What the f*ck's the wrong with you guys? They're like, well, don't judge anybody unless, you know, it makes me... Unless they're whoring. Yeah. Please. That's like one of the Ten Commandments is don't be whoring.

Starting point is 02:07:54 Oh, wait a second. People are f*cking stupid. Everyone's f*cking stupid. Everyone in the Bible is stupid. Myself included. What are you talking about? We're just all f*cking... Like, everything is so f*cking stupid. What do you think? They had email jobs in the Bible is doing whoring. What are you talking about? We're just all f*cking like, everything is so f*cking stupid. What do you think, they had email jobs in the middle ages where women were providing value other than their puss*? I don't think so.

Starting point is 02:08:11 They were doing Zoom calls to the Philippines back then. Yeah. Until we invented like the modern workplace. That's all that was happening was whoring. Until Scott Adams revolutionized office workplaces. Until Dilbert came along. It was just men are whor*s. And now, like, oh, these whor*s.

Starting point is 02:08:31 It was guns, campfires, and whor*s. And alcohol. Yeah, and alcohol. Really the four components of any good life. That's what a society needs. There's not enough campfires, not enough horn, yeah, not enough. But they're all debating like, oh, is she faking it or not? Like, first of all, all of you are faking it. There's not. Yeah, you're, you're belief in God and you're asking

Starting point is 02:09:02 faith by definition is fake. Like you can't have faith in something you can see. It's only sh*t you can't see and you're just, I believe it's there. Like, yes, that's, by definition that's fake. Is she faking it? Yes. All of you are faking it. That's the f*cking joke is, yeah.

Starting point is 02:09:21 It's all just a bunch of made up bullsh*t. Well, even if she is faking it, it's good for our team. Well, we have to be- We're all f*cking faking it, dude! We have to be the arbiters of faking it. I get that it's important for you, but it's still you are, like, faking it. No one knows fake sh*t like we do. Yeah, exactly!

Starting point is 02:09:37 We're the arbiters of who's fake or not. We'll tell you if you're fake. As the kings of being fake. It's devolved into such a preposterous argument. You think that OnlyFans whor* is faking it? All of those that converted OnlyFans whor* is now a Christian, do you think she's faking it? Every single word in that sentence is fake.

Starting point is 02:10:00 Yeah. Do you see a dollar amount attached to it? You are faking it too. And the whole f*cking audience is faking it. Go to fake it so you make that f*cking cash. Now I have a Christian management company for ex whor*s. Yeah. You think they're faking it? Yeah. And now we're going to f*ck you even harder

Starting point is 02:10:19 in the name of God. Do you think a guy wearing a big dumb hat and a bunch of f*cking robes, do you think he's faking it? Yes. I think a guy wearing a big dumb hat and a bunch of f*cking robes? Is he, do you think he's faking it? Yes. I think a guy wearing a bunch of goofy sh*t. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:10:30 No, that guy is totally serious. Totally serious. He's like, Oh wow. Yeah. I know every time I'm serious, I put on a big gay outfit, like a space. All you got to do is speak Latin and now everyone takes you seriously. How could you be wrong? It's important to you. The beliefs. All you gotta do is speak Latin and now everyone takes you seriously. How could you be wrong if you have a big hat?

Starting point is 02:10:45 I get that it's important to you, the beliefs. Yeah, all you gotta do is like enjoy ceremonies from hundreds of years ago. That didn't even really make sense back then, but you know, just keep it. Why does ceremony exist? Well, the ceremony is the illusion of permanence. If you do more ceremonies, it makes you think that it's forever, everlasting. So faking it until you make it right again Everybody turns in the keemstar

Starting point is 02:11:16 Can't ask too many questions. I can't f*cking take it with these people now man. Oh, she's faking it No sh*t. So are you assholes? Yeah? You shouldn't be you shouldn't be thinking like all these bad things about her in the first place sniff out Who's the real fake? It's like you In the consortium of his fine assholes. That's like Only fan seems like rough work, but you know. Hey man. Man's gotta eat.

Starting point is 02:11:48 Someone's gonna shove wine bottles up their asses for five bucks? Yeah. f*ck. You f*cking watching it. f*ck. Yeah, someone else has to watch it too. Yeah. Okay, Jay says, what the f*ck, randomly.

Starting point is 02:12:03 Oh yeah. Adult survivors. Did they change the law just to get... Okay, I don't what the f*ck, randomly? Oh yeah, adult survivors? Did they change the law just to get, okay, I don't care about this. Gentlemen Sausage, uh oh, woman alert. Woman alert. Woman alert. A woman walks into a running drone propeller

Starting point is 02:12:24 while looking at something, while being on her phone Okay, that's a you might have to hit that button till it f*cking breaks. That's the ultimate woman I believe they let them work around planes Jesus. Oh man. Oh Contractor kill. Oh, no. Oh, no Man, those drones are big. That's good. I'm, Jesus, that's like a full on f*cking 747. Johnny, if we didn't have these, we would have no freedoms at all. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:12:50 If we didn't have these drones, the shower, the tube that we have for the shower in our house would be like a Capri Sun Straw. We would have lowest flow toilets. It would just be like a mist. Yeah. Thank God for the military. Trying to mist your sh*t down the f*cking pipes.

Starting point is 02:13:04 Uh-huh. Jesus f*cking Christ. Thank God that the military. Trying to mist your sh*t down the f*cking pipes. Jesus f*cking Christ. Thank God that the military has allowed us to have only so big of pipes for the shower. Right. Thank God. We need all this, you know, not that any of our infrastructure is crumbling, you know. We gotta make sure that Jackass can go play slap dick

Starting point is 02:13:23 in Afghanistan with his pals. With a bunch of toys that we made him that I can't ever touch. Multi-billion dollar tanks. The unfathomable amount of money that we're just getting f*cking bent over with. These f*cking student loans are driving me nuts posing in a f*cking $100 million tank that does nothing. That barely works too,

Starting point is 02:13:42 because the maintenance is all sh*tty. You could feed the whole country for that Yeah, how dare you talk about it's like no you're why we don't do that Like you know how to train a dog when it does something good you give it food. Yeah, so why don't they do something good? Israel Palestine when they start doing good things you give them food. Yeah, here you go. Here's some food No, you guys were not you guys were pretty good. You guys were nice today We're giving food Netanyahu no food for you only the business of bad behavior is what it's all about is emerging bad We want bad dogs. Yeah, we're training these dogs properly

Starting point is 02:14:15 We gotta have a sniper every time not Netanyahu tries to eat. He shoots the food out I'm so hungry though, right? Release all the prisoners! Alright now give him some food. Give him a half a bite. Seal Team Six, give Netanyahu some food. Give him a little treat. He's gotta watch his weight.

Starting point is 02:14:35 So you gotta only give him a little bit of food. Or overfeed him and then now no more toilets. Now it's like, alright if you wanna sh*t somewhere... That doesn't work. You don't train dogs like that. I'm sure. Yeah. Well, not dog. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:14:49 People though, you can. No, I'm pretty sure it's the same. Oh, a lot of business decisions can be made very impulsively if everyone in the room has to take a sh*t. Everybody that doesn't go to everybody in Islam that doesn't go to temple that day or a mosque or whatever it is. Done. Gets food.

Starting point is 02:15:04 Oh, they just get, we throw out like packs of nerds Just like Halloween. Here's some aquarium gravel for you assholes. Yeah, thanks for not going to give everybody who's not Islam Church some Reese's peanut butter cups. Give him a pack of smokes. Yeah, give them some folders some and some M&M's What are they or skittles? Sure? And some M&M's. What are they? Or Skittles. Sure, or Skittles. Give them the... Give them the yellow Skittles.

Starting point is 02:15:30 Yeah. Don't give them any good Starburst, God forbid. Give the women who aren't wearing a job the green Skittles. When they were Apple, not Lime. Everybody overcomplicates it though. We gotta set up a big, we gotta have a big military and billions of dollars of tanks. Just take their food.

Starting point is 02:15:51 Yeah. Just give them food. Give those ones food. Don't hit send on that food shipment and see real quick how everyone's attitude changes. But then you say that and then when they give them food they just drop, they drop comical shipping containers full of food on them. Well, that's not... That's what you give her complaint about food.

Starting point is 02:16:09 You guys lived the... You did the letter of the law, but you didn't really do the spirit of the law. That's two different things. And every time refugees get food, they just complain about it. So you know the food's... They're getting like, you know, genocided. But then they come to America and they're like, this food sucks that you gave us so you know it's

Starting point is 02:16:27 important to them yeah and that's a good point well whatever no one ever listens to me contractor killed while she walks into an Air Force drone propeller while looking down at device so contractor someone who's supposed to know that this sh*t is like you know these things are death machines Was that the face she was making? That's the face she's making in heaven now What's that was that Nathan for you he's like I'm in heaven now I'm in heaven now. Sorry I died. Oh yeah, I died.

Starting point is 02:17:06 Contractor killed while she walks into an Air Force drone propeller while looking down at device. Why do they have a picture of her in like a... In front of a Cessna? Is that what she... Wrong. That's not a drone. She died like she lived. Yeah. Being crappy. A US Air Force civilian contractor was killed when she walked into a drone's rotating propeller at a California airfield after losing situational awareness. Oh, is that what happened? After losing situational awareness. While glued to a data recording device.

Starting point is 02:17:38 What? TikTok? That's a real eloquent wave saying she was checking her f*cking instagram likes At work today playing with drones. Oh bad Are they gonna? I hope they don't women don't start using that one. How'd you get? How'd you wreck your car? I lost situational awareness. I was glued to my data recording device like a f*cking Star Trek or some sh*t. I see now when people f*ck up up now they want to use technical terms for things. Well That's when the technical terms matter. Yeah, what the f*ck is that sh*t?

Starting point is 02:18:12 That sh*t pisses me off so much like oh, okay Now you need to like it's like when you're trying to pad out like a this has to be a three-page essay for school Yeah, just like try to use a thesaurus to make it all just f*cking flowery bullsh*t. Councilor Troy, why did you wreck the shuttle bay? Well, I lost my situational awareness after being glued to my data recording device. Glued to my data recording device. What is this? What are you like a scientist or something?

Starting point is 02:18:37 From the 1920s where data recording is this magical thing. Like, what the f*ck? Stephanie Cosme, 32, was fatally injured when she inadvertently stumbled into the moving propeller of a parked MQ9A Reaper drone at Gray Butt Airfield on September 7th. Wow. She got killed by the Reaper at Gray Butt after being glued to her data recording device. Wow. Without looking up to determine her position relative to the aircraft Why do they talk like this are they gonna show the security footage or not?

Starting point is 02:19:10 That's really the only thing that f*cking matter with all this bullsh*t and all these pictures They're posting if they don't post the actual f*cking footage, then it was all a goddamn waste of our times Proceeded to walk directly into the propeller of the aircraft sustaining fatal injuries And tell us she aircraft sustaining fatal injuries. Tell us she sustained the fatal injuries or they were f*cking fatal. In his statement of opinion, Accident Investigator Board President Briggs General Lance French identified two causes for the accident. First, she was incorrectly instructed or trained on how to take data recordings when approaching a drone with its engine running.

Starting point is 02:19:47 Oh, really? Do you need an instruct- do you need that instruction? I was gonna say, if you had to hedge a bet on what one of the two problems was gonna be, if not both of the same ones. Second, she lost situational awareness while walking around the unmanned aircraft taking readings with a handheld device. Okay, so she was doing she was doing some sort of So here's what blows my mind, right? So here's this drone that we're supposed to fly halfway across the world and all this sh*t, whatever

Starting point is 02:20:18 But yet you have to plug in like an OBD to reader to f*cking get the f*cking data off of it Like what though just doesn't send it out over something? Probably does. She's probably checking like the structure or something maybe. You have to do a walk around on planes. Well, you do have to do a walk around and that makes sense. But as far as like what data does like... What data does... What's the recorder doing? Yeah. Like...

Starting point is 02:20:41 Hmm. Another cover-up, I think. Oh, maybe. Yeah, that's why I look that was her phone She was looking at walked around it like a f*cking idiot and then Well you snossed had you lost you f*cking idiot Michael says fat watch all right When watching episode 405, Plus-Sized Park Hoppers, I realized that you misunderstood the sizes that she mentioned. When she said we're 2 to 5X, she meant that their sizes range from 2 to 5 times that of a normal fat woman.

Starting point is 02:21:18 I don't think that's true. I think it's X on the thing. Look, all I know is if you Feel the if you're like you know what maybe I should check the outside cart That's kind of slowly hit. I love that they started hiding those too that makes it funnier Well, there's like cuz they don't want people gawking at them Yeah, when they're when you can't get f*cking in and for the first five minutes And now the whole park is watching your f*cking fat ass try and squeeze in there You should have gambling on it. Oh, they're bored. Yeah, is she gonna fit is she gonna fit? Free hot dog if she fits everybody. I wish you could like

Starting point is 02:21:54 You know they used to have those things where you could like sponsor running Sponsor fat people. Yeah sponsor fat people Everybody makes bets. I think this bitch is gonna really blow up. I bet this bitch is gonna blow out the pneumatic tires on this f*cking- Got married, easily another 10 pounds. What if they could invent such a device that would tell you how much someone weighed by pointing a, like a, a temperature gun at them? It'd save you a lot of work. It would.

Starting point is 02:22:22 Uh, okay, this is a... I think this was sent to me by Vinny. Paulino, let's see. Looks to be a ghost rider. A fat woman ghost riding the whip. It's a Mexican fat woman. Redundant statement. Even the Mexican women are getting fatter, I've noticed.

Starting point is 02:22:48 She's doing like chicken walking and stuff. Trying to keep up to a idling car. Now, what's funny about this, I haven't seen this yet, but I will tell you this, that fat women struggle to get in a car when it's parked. So I can only imagine where this is gonna go. Yeah. When she gets, she tries to get back in after ghost riding. Have you ever wanted to ghost ride your whip? No, because I f*cking know how much my car costs and f*cking doing something like that would only, again... Crash it. Yeah. It only ever goes bad.

Starting point is 02:23:22 Why on earth? Nobody wants to see ghost writing that went well. No. That's not the content you're making. That's the thing. Doing it well is not interesting at all. No one wanted to watch you successfully do the milk crate challenge. No one wanted to see a good cinnamon challenge. These things are only meant for you to get f*cked.

Starting point is 02:23:40 And so absolutely not. Yeah. Alright. f*cked. And so absolutely not. Yeah. Uh oh, here she comes! She's getting back in! Uh oh! Oh no! Oh no! Oh god, she almost made it!

Starting point is 02:23:50 Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Out! Out! She is out! Oh. Out of the game! Thank you for that, Jenny Paulino. She almost got back in, but she didn't have the strength to launch 300 pounds after that 100 yard dash Yeah

Starting point is 02:24:10 There's moments where she falls it's like a Mario Party game where if you don't press a you're fast enough right at the end Ah, you f*cking blew it. Okay, she's running running running little one foot in it's good. That's good You got it. Oh, no. Oh, I think the woman the other woman turned the wheel Why did she do that To make a great video. I don't know I wonder if she hit a car like a that was parked in the side or something as a result Yeah, let's see. I'm gonna try to take us through this she's like, okay. Okay. Oh, she's like, okay. See this is nothing f*cking heavy work No big deal running with her arms up. She's like, okay. Okay. Oh sh*t. Oh, she's like, okay. See this is nothing f*cking heavy work. No big deal

Starting point is 02:24:46 Running with her arms up. She's like, okay top down. So she doesn't know and sees her fat roll Okay now she's getting back in look at the f*cking Bibendham in pink and black go She's doing a pretty good job matching the speed right now the passenger has the hand on the wheel here Because the car will start drifting around, you know. It's probably like a 90, 93 Corolla. It's already veering off to the right from the way to the passenger.

Starting point is 02:25:11 Yeah, as soon as she gets out, the car starts going the other way. Because the weight's no longer there. The shocks are like, whoa! Driving sideways like twins. Yeah. Oh man. The passenger's keeping the wheel steady.

Starting point is 02:25:25 She got one ass cheek in. Oh. It came back. Oh it did, okay. Is it back for good? Is it recording? It didn't stop recording. Oh, great. Headphones were unhappily...

Starting point is 02:25:37 That's weird. So, here's what happened. The fat lady grabs the wheel... Look, you can see the wheel is tilted now. So the fat woman grabbed the wheel for support and cranked the car. So the other lady is trying to... Other lady is trying to... f*ck.

Starting point is 02:25:55 Yeah look now that... Now we've got a real problem here. We've got two fat women fighting over the steering wheel. One who's half out of the car and when I mean half I mean 200 pounds is still out of the car She was gonna f*cking kill herself She yeah, she would have ran her own ran her own ass over. Holy sh*t. I would have hurt the car It would have f*cked the car. Yeah, need a new oil pan afterward

Starting point is 02:26:21 I would have f*cked the car, yeah. Need a new oil pan afterward. So her friend bravely yanks the wheel and sends her fat ass flying out the other end. I would have flipped the car if the back wheel would have f*cking rolled over her ankles. Holy sh*t. Look at this pose. Ah! Jesus.

Starting point is 02:26:38 Again, being sup- Ah! Oh, oh, no! Ah! No! Ah! No! Ah! No! Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

Starting point is 02:26:46 Oh no. Oh no. I bet you're wondering how I got here. I bet you're wondering how I got here. Yeah. If someone ever recorded that of me, Yeah. If someone ever recorded that of me, I would be like, give me that f*cking phone. I'm running that over.

Starting point is 02:27:02 I'm running that over. Yeah. I'll buy you a new phone. But that is not getting any... You can tell stories of it, but I just need that over. Yeah, I'll buy you a new phone, but that is not getting any You can tell stories of it, but I just need that frame. Making a grab at the door. Jesus. Oh no, there's the impact with the ground. Down she goes. New potholes born.

Starting point is 02:27:16 New pothole born. Uh oh, she's like, oh no. We didn't plan for this contingency. Oh my god. Okay, thanks Vinny. We didn't plan for this contingency. Oh my god. Hahaha. Okay. Thanks Vinny. Look at that. She's struggling to get out of the car. What makes you think you could get back in? Yeah.

Starting point is 02:27:33 Oh. Wow. After running. Yeah. That was great. Um. Okay. Spicy spaghetti? Spicy spaghetti, huh? Oh yeah. I already saw that one.

Starting point is 02:27:48 Oh, man. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Let's see if anybody sent it in, in the general. Did I send you any good fat watches recently? I think you might have, yeah. I can recall. The king of f*cking sending you stupid sh*t. Oh yeah, this one.

Starting point is 02:28:04 Oh, that one. yeah, there's all that All right, let's watch let me open this in a new window how to do that that's f*cking good oh Yeah, you might have to do share and then copy link. Oh, it's just there Okay So this is a some kind of fat gymnastics thing There. Okay. So this is a, some kind of fat gymnastics thing. What is this?

Starting point is 02:28:37 Gymnastics competition seeks to provide gymnastics. The adaptive gymnastics, which makes it even better. Oh, is this a special needs gymnastics? No, I think it's adapting to her gravitational pull. That's why she's trying to veer the ball away. That's actually the moon rotating around her, the actual moon. That, that moon. That moon that you've all been talking about. But that moon.

Starting point is 02:28:59 Okay, here she goes. So she's doing a gymnastics floor routine, but... Doing a Dell song, of all things. Yeah, but you gotta be kind of spry to do those, right? Right. Like... Yeah, you know. Something that a... maybe a power lifter would be more appropriate. Yeah. Appropriate.

Starting point is 02:29:28 Her legs are bigger than the ball. It's like watching a seal. I actually, I don't know if this is a special Olympics or not. Well, it's just a- Paralympic games? Are fat people Paralympics now? Oh. Do they have their own Olympics? I don't know. Are we f*cked up?

Starting point is 02:29:45 Are we in the wrong here? Are we wrong for once? I mean, I don't care. I'm a big hypocrite anyway. Who gives a f*ck? I don't care about sh*t. Okay, Rhinestone Cowboy usually sends good stuff. Amazing.

Starting point is 02:29:54 I'm a fat girl. I'm not gonna show up on our first date because I'm convinced you're not gonna like me because I'm fat. I'm a fat girl. I'm gonna be scared to walk into like a really aesthetic place like a dermatologist office or hair salon because I think I'm too fat to be there. I'm a be scared to walk into like a really aesthetic place like a dermatologist office or hair salon Because I think I'm too fat to be there. I'm a fat girl

Starting point is 02:30:09 I'm gonna tell the doctor that I go hiking ten times so that they take my medical Conditions seriously and give me the medical treatment that I need. I'm a fat girl. You need to lose weight Yeah, I'm a fat girl. I'm taking this from 200 yards away I'm a fat girl. I'm taking this from 200 yards away. Is that what it is? Fat girl. I'm not gonna show up on our... Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, they're all zoom in shots. First date, because...

Starting point is 02:30:33 Okay, very good. Oh my Lord. God damn. So... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh bruiser the that's a f*cking bruiser alright, Jesus five years after moving to Texas um Okay, here's a little bit built as an athlete every blood test I've ever done has said that I am like over the normal limit of so big fat woman limit of... It's a big fat woman using roller skates on a ramp, a skate ramp.

Starting point is 02:31:07 I've never seen roller skates with camber on them like a lowered luxury vehicle. Yeah? Do you have it? The wheels are... Yeah, yeah, yeah. VIP roller skates. Do you have any plus size skates? What?

Starting point is 02:31:21 Yeah, you know. Yeah, I just need a really steep angle on my wheels. Skates with shocks. Yeah. No. Well, how am I supposed to skate with these? What do you mean these don't fit the off-road tires on them? Athletic-ness.

Starting point is 02:31:36 f*ck. Literally built as an athlete. Every blood test I've ever done has said that I am, like, over the normal limit of athletic. Oh, whoa! That must have ruined her knee. It looks funny when they fall, but it's because they're trying to, like imagine carrying two cement bags and falling. You're gonna be like, oh god, okay, okay, I gotta be careful here.

Starting point is 02:31:56 I'm gonna bust my knees. I'm gonna get on f*cking roller skates and really show these skinny assholes who's wrong. Although whoever made that ramp, great construction work. Yeah, it's good. The fact that it didn't crack once or creak while she was on it, like that's... Creak? And just absolutely... A ghost?

Starting point is 02:32:15 Yeah, like a... Uh... Okay. POV, me waiting on Uber, eating out for the fifth time this week. f*ck's sake. Oh my god! Where was that hiding? Jesus! It's like f*cking, uh, the penguins. From Batman Returns!

Starting point is 02:32:35 I'm waiting for my door to open, Batman! Bro, what? A f*cking Oswald Cobblepot in the f*cking flesh over here. Well those vertical stripes are really, really working overtime. What f*cking built, like, imagine being built like Gru from the f*cking, what's that, Despicable Me. Jesus Christ. She's got to like, you know, the feet binding thing that Chinese women did?

Starting point is 02:32:59 Yeah, but for her whole legs. Right? Try to make the legs as skinny as possible here. Oh my God. How? How's try to make the legs as skinny as possible here. Oh my god. How? How- at what point did this happen? When you're so fat you f*cking get back fat going up the- Like what the f*ck?

Starting point is 02:33:14 You do that if she's got a- Her butt has a butt. That's so- yeah. Me waiting on my Uber eating out for the fifth time this week and it's Monday. She doesn't say- Right. It's Sunday night. Week hasn't even started. I had a fifth time this week and it's Monday. She doesn't say right Who would why would someone make a Jumpsuit with vertical black and white that's so crazy and for a zebra too Yeah, enough fat women wear this pattern and then you can't tell they're fat anymore

Starting point is 02:33:43 You know what that's about 50 women over there, it's only two. You're not at all gonna look like an overstuffed piece of furniture or a sh*tty watermelon. Like, what the fu- Whoever designed that outfit is funnier than we could possibly be. Some Chinese guy. Some Chinese guy. Like, what's the most unflattering thing we could make? Fat people, fat women should just wear a bunch of skinny women's dresses sewn together.

Starting point is 02:34:09 You know? Oh yeah, like a badge of honor. Like I could be 20 skinny bitches. Because it's unnatural seeing a fat woman with a fat size clothes. It's like, what am I looking at here? I feel like I'm looking at like a picture from history or something of like a sideshow attraction. World's strongest man.

Starting point is 02:34:28 World's skinniest man. f*cking world's fattest woman. Like, come see it. Oh, sh*t. Oh, man. No, thanks. This is crazy. Where does she work?

Starting point is 02:34:40 How does she clean the tops of her mirrors? Oh, no. What is this? She's got a gun spilling on the countertop! f*cking... The countertop is gun guarding right now. It's literally... we're seeing gun guarding. That's the buffet at... Wow. Sizzler's gonna have to have a gun guard and a sneeze guard. And a shrimp sh*t line ripper. New gun guards. New gun guard. God! And a shrimp sh*t line ripper. New Gunt Guards. New Gunt Guard. God.

Starting point is 02:35:05 f*ck. Damn man. This is brutal. Who sent this one in again? I don't, I'll check after. I am so sorry. A real psycho. Whoever had to find this.

Starting point is 02:35:15 Yeah this is. Probably Rhinestone Cowboy. Oh yeah. That was a good one. Thanks Rhinestone Cowboy. Oh jeez. What is this? Waiting for Uber eating.

Starting point is 02:35:23 It looks like, like kids are trying to like, Oh I'm pregnant and you stuff like a f*cking pillow under your shirt. Like that. Yeah. It's just like, I'm pregnant. Human bodies shouldn't be shaped like that. How do you breathe?

Starting point is 02:35:39 Come on man. Those sheets are not, I guarantee those are stunt sheets. Because you know for a f*cking fact those are not f*cking white which is African This has got to be fake. This has got to be a bodysuit Okay, well I hope so because if not We've reached a new row. It's rough stuff man. Matthew Connelly sent that in. That was his first submission. Wow great work Matthew Connelly That's a great submission. Mm-hmm This was considered a plus-size model in 2003 Wow great work Matthew Kyle that's a great submission Wow look at that in our lifetimes we fell from grace is what happened

Starting point is 02:36:22 Once dr. Phil once the T-Mobile sidekick hit the scene, life never got any better. No, it got much worse. Dr. Phil could have boosted me. He could have said, you know what, everybody, this man is not an actor, and I totally agree with everything he's saying. He could have said, you know what,

Starting point is 02:36:38 this is the only man in this audience right now, and I've renounced my ways. Nope. He went for that f*cking, that little dopamine hit. He sided with women. He tried to f*cking pull one on you, not realizing. Not realizing.

Starting point is 02:36:52 You keep playing your game 20, all these f*cking years later. Someday you're gonna look back at this and you're gonna be embarrassed by everything you're saying. He said, I knew even at the time, like, no, you're gonna, you're entering a world of pain, Phil. Pain and death. You have no idea how fat they're gonna get. Gotta get a reunion show. Planes falling out of the sky, bridges collapsing. Cats and dogs f*cking living together, man. Dude, like what the f*ck is going on? God, outrageous. Okay, I think that's all for

Starting point is 02:37:24 Fat Watch. We got anybody in the callers? It's kinda late though. Oh sh*t. Almost three? Look, we gotta go play some Pokemon, Johnny. We're gonna f*ckin... Oh, we gotta play F-Zero too. You co*cksucker! I f*ckin' got really good at F-Zero.

Starting point is 02:37:40 How many first plays have you had? Still none. Oh no! I have two. You got one. You sent me one of them. Man, I'm jealous. I said I can't play F zero for sh*t I why couldn't either and then I f*cking somehow figured it out What's the secret you have to wait till no one good is playing? You have to wait till like 2 in the afternoon That's the secret. Yeah, okay I'll give that a shot and then and then I wait till the evening when all the good players are on, and then I send you a picture.

Starting point is 02:38:08 I'm like, see, I got f*cking first today. Oh, you nodded too in the afternoon, because I'm saying no one good is on right now. You f*cker. No, that would be f*cked. Okay, that's the show, everyone. Check out the new bonus episode. It's the one where Maddox is talking all about my girlfriend. You're going to love it. Really. It's going to unravel the fabric of

Starting point is 02:38:29 this whole operation. You know. Also, if you're going to do anything. I don't know if he's trying to break us up or I don't know what he's trying to do. Like he's trying to reclaim his manliness in a way. He's trying to make sure you guys still have something to laugh at when we're eating

Starting point is 02:38:43 pizza after this. Yeah, because he had this whole uh, he has this whole point that I'm a cuck and that we're both beta males. Right. But I'm a cuck because he's saying that my girlfriend loves him more than me and it's, it's like, we've been together so long, it's like, man, I don't even know how to internalize this. It feels like I'm watching something from the 70s. This is so bizarre. What are you saying?

Starting point is 02:39:19 All I know is this motherf*cker needs his cowboy outfit again. Yeah, I want to hear what Ox Mad's take is. Not Maddox's take is retarded. Bring Ox Mad back. Dick is actually a cuck. Those guys were cool as sh*t. And I ruined my career saying that there's nothing wrong with being a cuck. Do you not remember that? And they're both and my ex-girlfriend is a beta male. What? I think Maddox, I think you made a mistake when you were when you bragged on your website that you have a small penis You f*cking know is great. You just broke his brain on levels unimaginable

Starting point is 02:39:55 f*cking vetoes getting there You know not everything is a contest Mmm, I think you missed rule number one, the biggest problem. Because everything is a contest. That's the f*cking joke. And then he said, God, he said something, it was, I forget what I,

Starting point is 02:40:16 it was some kind of, like, you know, thing I said to a woman. You can imagine what it would be. You can imagine how, imagine if I put the same intensity of my hatred for the federal government into, like, you know, sex. Average country, yeah. He said something like, Dick's supposed to be some kind of lethario.

Starting point is 02:40:35 And I'm like, I don't think I ever, number one, I have never presented myself as that. I understand women and I hate them. That's, that is not, you're talking about someone who understands women and wants their attention and affection, I do not. That's- I've been abundantly clear, I've structured everything

Starting point is 02:40:57 in my life around driving them away. It's like asking Sean to do any sort of recording. He understands it and knows it very well, but don't you dare ask him I'm the same way. He presents himself as some kind of letharian. I don't think so. No f*ck out of there. I Can I can play Wonderwall I won't Can you play Wonderwall yes

Starting point is 02:41:21 I won't. Can you play Wonderwall? Yes. I won't. Will you? No. Not for you. Maybe if there's a bunch of men around who want to hear it, then perhaps. What a f*cking ass. That f*cking guy. I don't get it. I think he's, like, gay. He's like projecting this weird character.

Starting point is 02:41:46 Also, who makes a Luthario f*cking reference? Like, why is that on the f*cking forefront? He thinks he's some kind of Charlie Sheen. Well, maybe if I just read a lot of old sh*t that no one gives a f*ck about, that'll make me seem more real later. I talk about whor*s. That's not, that's something you should not talk about if you're...

Starting point is 02:42:05 This podcast is f*ck bitches get money. It's like it's real... Another way though. Yeah. Get money. Get bitches, f*ck money. Stay away from women. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 02:42:14 Then nothing but trouble. That's true. Well, that's why I f*ck... Yeah, f*ck them. Not literally. f*ck women. See, you get it. Too goddamn fat. All right. These days, yeah yeah it was bizarre I'm listening to this weird caricature presenting oh sh*t crank that game song up patreon.com slash the dick show see

Starting point is 02:42:36 next Tuesday And then he's posted, he reads an email that, uh, she, 80s girl sent him right after they broke up. And he's like, how's that for embarrassing? All women send that sh*t. Women are emotional. Yeah. It's you sending it that's funny. Cause you're so like, cause you're so embarrassed by it. He couldn't not leave it alone.

Starting point is 02:43:13 Yeah. He had to f*cking. It's not funny that some woman wrote you something. It has nothing to do with anyone. Don't always need the last word, unfortunately. Oh yeah. You think my, you think my love letter was gay? Check out one a woman sent me. No one cares about something a woman sent you.

Starting point is 02:43:29 Yeah. Okay. Hey, Dick. Farmer D here. Hey, don't let Tim Pool lie to you. Yeah. The new fallout show is incredibly based and red-billed. I think it should be your favorite show because the big bad villain,

Starting point is 02:43:48 the worst villain in the show, who they don't really let you know is the worst villain in the show, they kind of play it off like it's the main character's, spoiler alert, main character's dad at the end, but really it's not. It's the ghoul's wife because she plays off like, oh, I'm just trying to help my family. And the ghoul guy confronts her about it. He's like, hey, it's kind of f*cked up. They're taking our freedoms. I fought in the war. Try to stop this. She's like, I'm just trying to help our family. It breaks down into tears all manipulative like women do. And it turns out she's the one trying to nuke the planet. So just really showing that deceptive

Starting point is 02:44:29 and manipulative nature of women, it's just like prime misogynist propaganda. I would think you would love this show. Is there anybody that would describe me? Oh, he's a real ladies man. That guy, that alcoholic? You mean the guy that says all lesbians are faking it? You don't say.

Starting point is 02:44:51 The guy that wears his own merch and gym shorts every day? I don't think so. You mean the guy who screams into a microphone for hours at a time? Really? You don't? Really? Huh. I wouldn't have thought that. Oh well, you know, he wants you to think that. I don't think so. Uh, yeah, um, you're so, I, I, well, I don't want to, you know, big league you, but you

Starting point is 02:45:15 should know that that guy's wife is the bad guy pretty much right away. Yeah, how did he, how did he not see- Number one, because it's a woman. We were watching Ex Machina, my girlfriend. Oh yeah. Like her favorite, one of her favorite movies, Ex Machina. You one, because it's a woman. We were watching Ex Machina, my girlfriend. Like, her favorite, one of her favorite movies, Ex Machina. You know the one with the robot? Great, yeah.

Starting point is 02:45:31 It was right when we started dating. And she's like, how do you like it? I'm like, he's gotta kill that robot. You gotta get rid of her. She's lying. She's like, how do you know that? I'm like, woman, number one, robot, number two. You should know this stuff already

Starting point is 02:45:45 It's double gonna lie to you. Yeah, it's doubly lying. All right See here and it's vindictive Hey, this is Brad Carter from Roy, New Mexico And I was just wondering if you thought that RFK was worse than Trump You think RFK is a. Kane is a R.F. K. The same candidate. Do you think? Oh, oh, you, all you guys out there saying the Republicans are the same people, right?

Starting point is 02:46:16 Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm finally political. This is Brad Carter from. I don't think this is Brad Carter. I know what Brad Carter sounds like. Vote for R.F. K. Motherf*cker. R.F. K. This is Brad Carter from I don't think this is Brad Carter. I know what Brad Carter sounds like both for RFK motherf*cker RFK

Starting point is 02:46:30 I guess well, hey, that was the real Brad Carter calling you You know what RFK should have done he did like an interview with Rabbi Schmooley or something or a picture He should have punched that f*cker right in the mouth right in the f*cking face president a hundred That's what I want in a president. So Trump, what would you do if you met Rabbi Shmueli? I'd punch him right in the mouth. Amazing, voting, 100% voting for you. We need like old school presidential debates

Starting point is 02:46:56 where they're standing on the same platform together and they just like turn into a screening match. And I want to see someone shoot the other person and just be like, oh sh*t. Like, dueling's back, I guess. Like Jesus, like I think alright. Well, I guess that guy was a little when you get into Congress I'm gonna shoot someone. Yeah, I'm not gonna tell you who yeah, we're gonna get into a spirited debate I'm gonna bring in a little hooker gun and I'm gonna blast them It's just boss like Wow, which side doesn't matter. They're all the f*cking same. Whoo boy

Starting point is 02:47:22 Yeah, but you can't you can't make that movie today though. No. Okay. Hey, this message is for Sean and the guy who called in saying that people have too many pedals right now. They do. Honestly, I couldn't agree more. Like, people almost use it like a crutch

Starting point is 02:47:40 instead of just practicing. They just end up with the hordes of pedals. But I've discovered the best way right now, Instead of just practicing, they just un-listy-hordes pedals. But I've discovered the best way right now, and Sean, I don't know if he's tried this. Oh, he's gonna, I guarantee he's gonna talk about his Kemper profiler. Using a Kemper profiler. Like I basically.

Starting point is 02:47:54 About a hundred software. What is that? It's this thing you can run all your gear into, and it copies the math behind what it's doing to you, what your amp or like your pedal does. So if you have a clean guitar tone, run that in, and then you, I forget how you actually model it. I see.

Starting point is 02:48:11 But it takes the tone of your pedal, and now instead of endlessly twiddling on your pedals all day, you can twiddle endlessly on this f*cking box that does the same sh*t and go, oh wow, now instead of practicing, I can look at all my presets I can load up. It's the same sh*t repackaged. Making pedals, making virtual pedals. Making virtual pedals for yourself.

Starting point is 02:48:31 All my stuff after I got this. Okay, okay, okay. You got, you busted them. What an asshole, f*ck. Hey Dick, hey Sean. Hey Sarah, I got this, just f*ck with it. What the f*ck? Breaking up, buddy.

Starting point is 02:48:45 The Dick Show, question for Sean's music producer. f*ck, all these questions are for Sean. As Sean today, I'll feel this one. Oh, you can answer them though, right? Okay, let's go. The Dick Show, question for Sean's music producer corner. I'm producing a band for my senior project in college. How often do you recommend guitarists change strings?

Starting point is 02:49:06 I was recording with a guy and he'd change them every session, and we'd have like two to three sessions. Don't you have to break them in? I thought that it led to tuning issues, so I wanted to see what you thought about that. Then the other thing, how do you tell a musician that you don't like what they wrote? Okay, so as far as guitar strings that is more of a Sean thing because f*cking guitars are this mystical world that you have you have to only a Certain brand can understand guitars

Starting point is 02:49:37 But I will say if they start sounding like sh*t then change them if it sounds fine keep them f*cking it's about the other one. How do you tell somebody they don't you don't like what they wrote so you ask them to try something else hmm okay or you just say oh so there's a few ways you say wow that really f*cking sucks get the f*ck out of my band or you go well that's pretty cool you know do you have any other you know you just ask you can say a lot in okay okay yeah yeah somebody shows you something or plays something, you go. Just be polite.

Starting point is 02:50:06 Okay. Is like, my serious answer would be either be polite or just be like, you know, that's a great idea for a great artist on an entirely different record. Oh, okay. Yeah. Why? I butchered it, but yeah.

Starting point is 02:50:20 Okay, here's something that's not satire. I've noticed this. It's satire. People watch My 600 Pound Life. Well,. I've noticed this. It's that I will watch my 600 pound life Well, my kids are Larry on life. I should have the people guess that their weight Because I want to I want them to get the way I see here But here's what I've noticed is that there's no there's no strong dads on this show. It's very much like an overwhelming smothering mother show every f*cking episode

Starting point is 02:50:44 Like an overwhelming smothering mother show every f*cking episode There's no strong dad or there's no man that has to like this is crazy. Just throw away the f*cking choose What do you know is the most? He's probably my second favorite father figure Bundy Tom Lycus doctor now doctor now is killing it man. He has the greatest job on earth He gets to tell fat people No, I literally do know the science behind this I am a fat f*ck doctor. And they have to listen to him or else they don't get their weight loss surgery That's the most beautiful part of it. He's like there's no skin off my sack. You're the fat motherf*cker. You're clearly breaking your diet

Starting point is 02:51:17 You could have easily lost 30 pounds by now. He's like if you just drank water for one solid day You would lose like a hundred pounds. His accent's fake too. Is it? Yeah, he actually just speaks totally normally, but he does that accent to f*ck with the fat people. He's uh, he's from um, Paraguay. Totally. One day I'm going to move to America and really rip on fat women people. How you gonna do that?

Starting point is 02:51:42 Be the leading surgeon for bariatric surgery. He's like, you can't talk sh*t to me. I got an accent motherf*cker. Yeah, and because the fat people have never heard that being told they're fat from that voice. Yeah, they're used to you know, American accents calling you fat. We've got Dr. Now calling you fat. It's like, ooh, no, that's he's medically You're not morbidly obese comically. You're morbidly obese medically. They're in another universe of obese. Oh yeah. I love that show. It's great.

Starting point is 02:52:10 You could have easily lost 30 pound by now. And they can't melt down because they don't think he speaks English. Because he says that accent, they're like, usually they throw a big fat fit about it. But when he comes in with that accent, they're like, they think he's like an alien. Yeah, you can't respond to this guy

Starting point is 02:52:28 who's like of mysterious origin. Yeah, you're gonna be really lost 30 pounds by now. It's like the Tootsie Roll Owl calling you a fat f*ck. It's like, well, f*ck, like, what am I, like yeah, but like, what do I do with this now? Like, I can't yell at anyone. Can't yell at this guy, he's an immigrant, right? He's f*cking, it's a zero-louden.

Starting point is 02:52:49 He probably doesn't even, he doesn't understand what he's, they think, he doesn't understand like how it is in America. Yeah, he doesn't realize he's being rude as f*ck. Yeah. And he's like, no. Like that's- He's just a total co*cksucker. He's just- He's gonna be easily lost 30 pounds by now. He's like, well, actually, he's like, you start hearing pirate music coming in.

Starting point is 02:53:08 Hey, Dick, it's Jay. You know what makes me a rage? When people say that red meat is unhealthy, they may as well have said to me that my humors are out of balance. This guy sounds like he has some maladies affecting him. The best source of pretty much every essential micronutrient and vitamin So it's a pretty good source. In fact, it's whole source of a lot of beneficial like non-essential nutrients

Starting point is 02:53:39 like collagen and like creatine and carnitine and Carnitine? Yeah, the whole heart failure thing. Sounds like a lot of words. There's a lot of words. Judging by the footage from the puzzle competition, you could use a little more red meat, buddy. Go and f*ck yourself.

Starting point is 02:53:56 Why can't I use more red meat? Which is for Sean. I'm huge. Thanks very much. What are you talking about? This guy just wanted to hear himself talk. What are you talking about? This guy just wanted to hear himself talk. If one of the red meat guys can sell it to me plainly without, you know... Everyone's got an angle.

Starting point is 02:54:14 Jibber-y-drew. Yeah, well, good luck finding that. A lot of them really think you could just eat meat all day, every day. Are there a lot of 80-year-olds who've just been eating meat every day, all day? There's no one out there who's like, actually, you know what what I don't give a f*ck what you eat do whatever works for you I'm doing this to myself Like no, I don't feel good if I'm eating if I eat red meat for every meal for like four days I'm not feeling good. I just feel a need to pump the brakes on the meat

Starting point is 02:54:40 It's cuz you need to break through that and go all seven days. I see. That makes sense. Yeah. You're not pushing hard enough. I don't know. What is it about red meats that's bad? That they say? Cholesterol? Dude. Flow max? You know...

Starting point is 02:54:55 I don't know. You know just as f*cking well as anyone else that if someone's telling you something's bad it's because it's being paid for by us. It's like everything we're being... from both sides, people trying to be helpful, don't realize they're spouting paid for information. I don't know. Do I need to stop?

Starting point is 02:55:13 Do I need to eat less red meat? Cause I'm not stopping the drinking. So what causes all of these problems in life is worrying about what you're doing. Smoking. Yes. To counterbalance the meat, pick up smoking, stop caring. Don't listen to anybody, especially me pick up smoking stop caring. I don't listen to anybody especially me definitely don't listen Hey guys, it's me man. It's you know, there's this guy. He's got guns and he's threatening to kill me and

Starting point is 02:55:38 He's a Violent and he's a rapist, but you know what I hate the most about him? He's a f*cking joke fest. Oh yeah. A joke fest is the worst crime that a comedian can make. Oh. This violent rapist with guns is planning to kill me. I can't believe he's stealing jokes. He's stealing jokes, yeah.

Starting point is 02:55:59 That makes me madder than everything. Yeah. Kind of a... He's got a point.. Tonally Maddox is kind of all over the place with that sh*t, isn't he? Yeah. Okay. Dick, I live in Texas where the total eclipse occurred quite perfectly in my front yard. I didn't have to travel all over the goddamn world, but I was looking up where the next one is that's not in the third world country. I've been traveling all over the goddamn world, but I was looking up when the next one is that's not in the third world country Greenland has a 27 minute totality in 2026 and seems like a great time to do a live show And whatever the f*ck the capital is Greenland

Starting point is 02:56:37 so live show Road rage Greenland 2026 sounds like a destination wedding I don't know who's gonna make that trip. That sounds like a f*cking, sounds like all the worst people you could possibly be around are gonna be there. Maybe it would be a good time to do a show. Just during the eclipse. Just during the eclipse. A long time listener, first time caller.

Starting point is 02:56:58 I was calling this year, I was listening to episode 405, and I noticed a lot of emails you guys have gotten lately. Everyone says how autistic they are, I think. Man, part of them a lot of emails you guys have gotten lately everyone says how autistic they are I think man He writes into this show. So when we got this one guy the gay guy who had a crush on his co-worker You guys said in unison Autistic that absolutely f*cking sent me I had to pull over to the side of the road. I was laughing so god damn hard

Starting point is 02:57:20 It's like social contagion Sound bad as a year. You guys got god. I'm saying I'm autistic. For something. Holy sh*t, incredible. Congratulations on 405, 406 episodes now. Yeah, I don't know. Thank you. Go f*ck yourself, Shawn, I love you.

Starting point is 02:57:34 Thank you. Like, trans sh*t, right? Yeah. That's kinda cool, is just being like, you know what? I'm autistic, and if you say I'm not, f*ck you. Maybe I'm a, you know, like this woman, maybe not, Ben Affleck's daughter, she said, you know, maybe I am a guy.

Starting point is 02:57:49 You know, maybe I will scream if I don't collect all the shiny stones. Like, hmm. Everyone's always telling me I'm so good at. Every noise is overwhelming to me. Driving, figuring things out, like. I'm really good at sorting things. I have a box of cables in the garage. Maybe I am a guy. Huh. Every time I go over to someone's house, like, can

Starting point is 02:58:15 you look at the router? My internet's not... If someone is going through a lot of steps to do something that they could fix easily, it really drives me nuts. And I'll go out of my way to correct them, and I'll waste a lot of time. Maybe I am a guy. I did notice the slab wasn't flat. That's what she was thinking. Yeah, it bugged me.

Starting point is 02:58:33 It bugged me that you covered that up instead of fixing it properly. Right. Huh, you might be a man, actually. Do you think that's what happened to her? Maybe. She was just sitting at Ben Affleck's. She's like,

Starting point is 02:58:45 Dad, can you, um, uh, can you stop closing the window and reopening the program? Just minimize it. Yeah. It bugs me that you're doing that. And Ben Affleck said, you know what? You might be a man. He's like, actually... And he's like, oh.

Starting point is 02:58:57 Oh. He's like, wait a second. You think that happened to her? Who knows? Yeah? Hopefully. That'd be a f*cking funny way to figure it out. Wait a second. You think that happened to her? Who knows? Yeah. Hopefully.

Starting point is 02:59:06 That'd be a f*cking funny way to figure it out. I'm going to this funeral. I'm going to ruin it. At the funeral, like, you know what? Those ceiling tiles really aren't even. Holy sh*t. How much did this? This looks like shoddy craftsmanship.

Starting point is 02:59:18 How much did this funeral cost? Huh. You might be a man. You're a woman? You said that? And how much of our day is going to be spent here? How much time do I have to spend here? What are we eating afterwards?

Starting point is 02:59:30 How much do these sandwiches cost? Seventy-five bucks? Get the f*ck out of here! Oh boy! Like, oh wait a second, the PA is out of phase. Yeah. You might Like, oh. You know something, you might be a man. Wait a second, you heard that?

Starting point is 02:59:47 Oh, it's odd. Son of a bitch. Literally. How long do they keep these f*ckers in the ground here? Okay. Hey, Dick. What makes me rage is when people use, like, people tack on this little thing. Yeah. They say, Oh dude, I'm starving hard.

Starting point is 03:00:11 Oh dude, I'm really going through it hard right now. I'm starving. I'm starving hard. Why are you doing that hard man? What the f*ck? What's your car captain? You rock solid hard. Why are you poor and your car is poor?

Starting point is 03:00:26 Car? It's the stupidest thing I've ever f*cking heard of in my life. No, that's fetch. Stop trying to make fetch. I'm just starving real hard right now. Look at how many voicemails this motherf*cker sent. God damn. Okay.

Starting point is 03:00:42 You know the dick show, what makes me rage? Everything. But specifically the picture of what makes me rage? Everything. But specifically the economy, right? Because we all know it's sh*tty. It's sh*tty. And Biden and all these f*cking people come out and say good things. And they should be saying, I'm sorry, it's f*cked and like acknowledging it. But they don't.

Starting point is 03:00:56 They don't. They just f*cking lie to you. And we all f*cking know it. Yeah. No one, nobody on TV seems to really talk about it. Nobody in the news seems to really talk about it. How f*cked things are. But I guarantee you, I swear to f*cking Christ, if Trump wins the election, we will hear about

Starting point is 03:01:12 it suddenly, non-f*cking-stop, won't we? It'll be non-f*cking-stop. The economy is destroyed. Now, black people can't afford a f*cking house, and we need to f*cking, we need to cut the rates and let inflation go absolutely crazy to destroy people's f*cking savings so that we can get housing for these f*cking black people which you won't hear about now Yeah, he deserves it though. He signed that omnibus sh*t. He said he wasn't gonna do it and then he did it But man all you had to do is say no. Yep. All you had to f*cking do Seems they know give people food that we're doing it even Even if they have food, the food trick will work.

Starting point is 03:01:46 Dogs have food, still giving them food works. Yeah. They're dogs. Too much debating. Not enough giving food, you know? Too many words, man. You're being good. I'm going to give you a pretzel for that response.

Starting point is 03:01:57 That's what I'm going to do to Vito on the show now. That was a good joke. Here's a Tim Tam for you. Here's a tip-tam for ya. Here's a tip-tam. Here's a congresswoman, Jasmine Crockett, suggests that exempting blacks from, black people from taxes, and then she walks it back because she realizes black people don't pay taxes, so we should give them free money instead. This past week I saw, I don't remember which celebrity, but it was actually a celebrity and I was like,

Starting point is 03:02:24 I don't know that that's not necessarily a bad idea, but I'd have to think through it a lot. One of the things that they propose is black folk not have to pay taxes for a certain amount of time. Because then again, that puts money back in your pocket. But at the same time, it may not be as objectionable to some people about actually giving out dollars. But obviously then you start dealing

Starting point is 03:02:44 with the different tax brackets and things like that. And that's one of the reasons that, you know, we argue the reparations make sense because so many black folk, not only do you owe for the labor that was stolen and killed and all the other things, right? But the fact is like, we end up being so far behind, right? And so it's like, how do you bring forth people? Exactly. And so it's like, how do you bring forth people?

Starting point is 03:03:05 Exactly. And so it's like, if you do the no tax thing, for people that are already, say, struggling and aren't really paying taxes in the first place, it doesn't really, exactly. They may have got those checks like they got in the COVID. Exactly. Ah!

Starting point is 03:03:26 Ah! Hey, what if black people didn't pay taxes? Uhhh, we don't pay taxes. So, the money thing, would be better for, the no taxes thing, you know, we gotta think about the tax brackets and the killing and the free labor

Starting point is 03:03:42 and the history and, uh, give us money. That's, that's, you summed it all up right there. Jesus. Hey black people, how about no taxes? Ah, that's not good enough. Best I could do is free money. Hear what you're saying, best I can get you. No taxes?

Starting point is 03:04:02 You know, if we were doing no taxes, oh my God, how do you think we're, what do you think we are doing great over here? What do you not get about us? We're not doing good at all. We're doing terrible. We would be lucky to pay taxes. Jesus. Oh, I wish I could pay taxes.

Starting point is 03:04:17 I'm going to need some money. Then I could maybe pay some taxes. Then we'll talk about tax paying in a couple years, couple hundred years, come back. Once we get all the money out, then we'll talk about taxes. That's all that matters. And the moon. Once we get to the moon. We'll figure out moon.

Starting point is 03:04:38 We'll figure, we'll suss that out. What's it doing up there? We'll attempt to understand moon. Okay. Let's see here. Hey, Jack. hey Sean. I was gonna call in with the rage, but it may have morphed into some sort of solution. But what makes me enrage is the fact that everyone wears sweatpants now. And I don't mean to be like a funny boomer saying everyone needs to wear three-piece suits and look right. I mean,'t annoy me that everyone looks like they got out of bed yeah I think the real problem with it is you don't notice how f*cking fat you're getting if you're wearing jeans or whatever you know yeah you can outgrow jeans the early outgrow sweats part of the tunnel when you go oh boy I'm I'm

Starting point is 03:05:21 getting kind of fat I can't fit in my jeans anymore But then if you just wear an elastic waistband sweatpants all day You never notice it sneaks up on you and then you go to put on a suit for a wedding and you go Oh f*cking back. I gotta buy a new suit now And you gotta f*cking buy a new suit f*ck Oh Jesus I am fast No f*cking way And then you give up

Starting point is 03:05:39 Six hundred bucks? Oh f*ck off That's a lot Takes all day, then you gotta go back to the suit store after it gets f*ckin' tailored. That's a lot of f*ckin' waste of time. We should normalize pulling down fat people's sweatpants. Oh yeah. Pants them. It's not like they can lean over to pull them back up.

Starting point is 03:05:58 They can't stop you. You know, they can't touch their own feet. There should be like a test. Like if you can lay on the floor on your back and get back up to a standing position again yeah then you're okay then you're okay. Okay goodbye everybody. Thanks Johnny. Oh yeah.